Monster Soprano's Weight Loss Journey

It really is all about choices

2012-01-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon,

I have decided to keep my official weigh in for Saturday mornings at home. So, this morning, with Bambina runing around like a maniac, I stepped on the scale and I am down 13.2 lbs from my start weight on Tuesday.

So, what I am doing differently this time around on WW Points Plus ? Well, I make myself use the new calculator. I hate it that I don't know everything by heart like in the previous plan but, that is just silly.

So, today, I had a treat, something not great health wise but, something I really wanted and have not had in a long time.

Yes, it is not a healthy food. But, I never said I was a saint. When I purchased it, I had my WW application on my Black Berry and figured it out. 9 Points Plus. Not great but, not that bad.

Now, today was a teaching morning for me. Two of my students were no-shows. I could have stayed in the studio and practiced. However, I did not have my music scores. So, I went for a walk. I forgot that the music school is at the bottom of a high by the side of the commercial road. Nevertheless, there was a sidewalk and I walked to the coffee shop that was at least 1 KM away up the hill, and back. Not a big deal exercise wise. I remember, when I started this journey, I would have never had the courage to walk "that far" to get a coffee.

When I got back to the studio, I felt calm (well, that could be from the coffee, it does calm me) and I was able to focus on my next students.

Choices are important. We make good and bad ones, each and every day. Today, my choice was to eat something not super healthy and it was also my choice to get off the piano bench and walk. On that note, I better go to the bat cave and work out while Bambina sleeps!

Never, ever, give up!

2012 - Where have I been ?

2012-01-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

Dear readers,

Being away from the blog weight loss world, only means one thing. Falling off the wagon. Trying to get back on track without success, feeling like crap because, every day you try and fail.

Wait a minute. I did not fail. I refuse to believe that because I have gained some weight I have failed.

To be honnest, I was getting my mental health back on track. The bio identical hormones have finally made a huge difference in my life. I am happy.

So, with that, I am back on track with weight watchers online because, my insane schedule just does not permit meetings at the moment. It is just not a possibility. I am tracking on the website and sharing my daily journal with one of my WW buddies that has met goal. So, every day, like it or not.I have to email her my journal. That is the deal I made with her.

I am also back to exercising. I had a bunch of injuries this fall. I fell a few times. I injured my leg at Zumba. Then, I injured my left arm from sleeping on the floor beside our toddler too many nights in a row.

So, now, my exercise routine consists of walking and stationnary bike. That is that for now. Zumba will need to wait until all the pain is gone.

Food ? Well, I think I realized what I was doing wrong. I got lazy. I started to count points in my head (yes, you can start giggling now). It is impossible to estimate with this new plan. Just impossible. So, I am back to counting points.

Amazing how a yucky candy bar is no longer attractive! So, stay tuned everyone! I haven't given up, so, that means you can't give up!

Three Years Ago

2011-09-08T11:16:00.000-04:00

Good morning everyone,

I know. It has been forever since I posted a blog. August 2011 was an insane month. When I say insane, I just don't want to get into it. No need to dwell on the past. Time to move on.

Three years ago, I made the decision to join WW Meetings. I can't believe it has been three years. Sometimes, it is very important to go back to basics. Why did I join ? Are my goals the same ? Do I still want to be on WW ? What do I want NOW ?

Why did I join WW ?

Three years ago, I had tried everything to get pregnant, I was at risk of severe liver disease and just was fed up of having to order gowns from the USA.

Are my goals the same ?

Yes and no. At first, my only goal was to lose 25 lbs. I was not even sure I could do that. Then, the goal went higher. Then, I go pregnant around 90 lbs lost. So, WW was on hold. I have now lost over 110 lbs (goes up and down) but, for the last year, even though my weight loss has not changed much, I know one thing for sure, my fitness level has increased, my body has changed. I still wear Plus Size clothing (I might always need plus size for pants due to my curves!) but, I don't wear the largest size. I can comfortably go in, pick a few outfits and know they will fit if I bring them home. Shopping with a toddler is not easy!

I can do Pilates, Zumba, Power Walk....Weight lifting is still not a good option for me but, I do resistance training. Could I do this 3 years ago ? Nope.

Do I still want to be on WW ?

I had a brief adventure with Atkins this summer. It worked but, I can not sustain myself on only 20 grams of carbs per day. It was good to try and even though, I am back on WW, I try to control my love of fruit. It might be zero points but, it still has calories in it. The good thing about WW, is that nothing is off limits. If I want to eat cake, well, I just need to figure out how many points are in that cake. Worst comes to worst, I start fresh the next day.

What do I want NOW ?

I have to admit that not having a monthly period has been a blessing for me. No hormonal swings in over 6 weeks ? I can SO deal with that. Is there a risk ? Who knows ....I know that with PMDD, I just can't handle the risk of losing my mind around my toddler. So, for now, if it means that taking birth control for 12 weeks straight is helping me, so be it. What do I want most of all ? I want to be fit. Yes, I would like to lose more weight, the lower abdominal area and hips are still the heaviest part on my body. The one thing I like is that I can do a lot more physical things now, without feeling like I am going to pass out. Yes, I am still asthmatic. Yes, I still have arthritis. However, I have stamina. I can walk for a long distance without passing out. I can run after our toddler and catch her (she is FAST).

So, September is a new month, I am back on track and loving it.

PMDD and Me

2011-07-11T14:34:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon,

Well, it has been a while since I posted just, because, life has been busy. The weather is finally warm (read hot) and to be honnest, I don't feel like sitting in front of the computer to type a blog.

Now, in February 2011, one of my doctors told me she did not think I had PPD, she actually thought I had PMDD. PMDD is similar to PMS, however, it is 100000000000000 worst. Picture the Devil. That is me during a full blown PMDD crisis.

Well, after speaking with a few friends and my doctor, we decided to try a new birth control pill. I used to be on Diane 35. Now, I am on ortho-try-cyclen. So, far, so good. I have to say, I am really happy.

Could it be that I was on the wrong birth control pill for a while and that was causing my insane moods ? Perhaps. That is about the only thing that has changed in my life. Work is as stresfull as before. My toddler is as active as ever before. Nothing else has really changed. I am still off carbs. That is the only other thing that I could or might help my mood.

How does it feel to be happy after a long time of just being in the dumps for not apparent reason ? GREAT.

The weight loss plateau is slowly breaking. I am drinking a lot more water. The heat is just a bit too much for me these days but, I am moving and doing exercise.

In a few days, I will using the placebo pills at the end of the pack. Yep, I am terrified that the hormonal shift will be too hard to handle. But, I shall wait and see. It is not fun having PMDD. However, part of having this, is knowing that it won't last forever. My last attack was brutal. It lasted 24 hours. 24 hours of miserabl thoughs and feelings that nothing and I do mean nothing, could make better....

So, lets hope I am on the road to recovery

The Power of Food

2011-06-23T12:49:00.000-04:00

Quick post, I am still on track for Week 2 of Atkins. Is it hard ? Yes. It is worth it ? Yes.

The one part that I find hard is morning. I used to have an appetite getting up in the morning. Well, now, I just do not. So, that part sucks. It is not that I don't like to eat eggs and meat and veggies for breakfast. It is just that it really is quite heavy. HOWEVER, I am happy to report that once I get to work, I am not starving the way I was eating cereal, oatmeal or any other "regular" healthy breakfast.

The pounds have been melting off of me. Until, this morning. The scale jumped up. Then again, I did not sleep much last night and when I don't sleep. Might as well say the scale is going to go up. My new "small" pants fit and we not tight so, that is good news.

What am I learning on this journey ? Food is only food. We give it WAY too much power. I have started to read Women, Food and God. Okay, I will admit, I only got the first page read. It is hard to find time to read with work and our daughter. So, tonight, I will find time to read, somehow.

Do I crave sugar ?Nope. Do I crave bread ? Sort of. Why ? Bread would give me a search of sugar and make me feel calm. Why do I want to feel calm ? Life is a bit too busy at the moment. Do I have control on my schedule ? Yes. Can some things go ? Hmmm, not sure. A lot of questions at the moment and no enough answers. Probably due to sleep deprivation.

The one thing I really like about Atkins is that I don't have to think about food at the moment, I just eat and it is over with. I know, that sounds boring. I need something to be boring in my life at the moment. I don't want to think about exotic recipes. I am just not in the mood. I want to play with our daughter that is quite funny and a baby-maraton walker at the moment. I love the fact that our daughter is active. If I can continue to encourage her to be active, I will feel like I am giving her a good start to being healthy. Of course, the day will come where she will need to make her own choices and I can only hope that I will have educated her about nutrition and exercise so, that she can avoid a life of yo-yo dieting.

I better get back to work, break is over, just wanted to say that it is really hard to blog every day but, that I am thinking about all you!

Quarter Marathon

2011-06-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

I went to my meeting WW this morning. I needed it and I also wanted to receive my 5 KM charm. I lost the one I got last year. It is worthless money wise, but to me, it is priceless. This was the first time I jogged with other people. It felt so good.

Now, I want to register for the Quarter Marathon in my city, which is about 10.5 KM. I can't jog that much but, I sure can walk it. My goal would be to do it in 2 hours. I know seems slow but, it will be in July 2011. I need to be reasonable. Participants have 2.5 hours to complete it. So, I think I can do it in 2 hours.

Why haven't I registered yet ? The site is always down. So, once I am done this post, I am sure going to try again (while the hair colour on my hair works). Yes, I am also addicted to changing my hair colour ...I gave up carbs, I can't give up playing with my haircolour just yet.

Someone asked me why I liked these registered walks ? The answer is very easy. For years, I did not do any physical activity. There was always an excuse. Now, that I can (although I am not the best at it), I sure want to do it.

I might be the largest person on that course in July (or not) but, I am going to do it. If I am the last one at the finnish line, I don't care, I am going to do it. For sure, I will need to bring my inhaler. At the last event, I needed it. The lilac flowers just got to me.

Back to the no carbs, how do I feel ? I must admit, that my head is clear. My blood pressure was 120 over 72 this week (very good). Do I miss sinking my teeth in a cracker ...Yes. But, I much prefer this clear headed mind I have. I miss fruit a bit but, not to the point of my moods going up and down all day.

We shall see, for now, eating no carbs is helping me get back on track. I miss yogurt more than fruit but, that will come. One thing at a time.

Once Bambina wakes up, we are off to the local Zoo. I need to walk and breathe fresh air (write the one with chemicals on her hair!). Have a great day everyone!

Sleep Deprivation VS No Carbs

2011-06-16T19:59:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

If you have no kids and want some, please do not read this post. I love our daughter. I wanted her, there is nothing I would not do for her. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. It totally is making me the most miserable person in the world. I don't know when I will ever sleep again, through the night and wake up refreshed.

Of course, parents of good sleepers tell me I have sleep training all wrong. Parents of non-good sleepers tell me "Have a drink, it helps ..."

Non-parents tell me "Go to the gym, it will help you." To these people I just want to give them the most polite third finger I have ever produced. The little spare time that I have in my life (read, next to none), I am not going to the gym.

Last night I got about 3 hours of broken sleep. Not even consecutive. I swear, not eating carbs is really helping with the energy because, if I had to be in a carb induced coma on top of this, I don't think I could survive. I have not broken down in tears today. I am happy about that.

Parenthood is great. I swear it is. I just miss sleeping.

Something New, Something Old

2011-06-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon,

I remember reading that when weight loss bloggers go missing, it is often a sign that things are not going well. True enough. The past few weeks have been a disaster.

Without getting into it too much, my best friend passed away and lets just put it this way: I lost my focus, drive and motivation to lose weight. Food was comfort. Food was therapy. Food was there.

A few days ago, I decided to go back to my original passion to lose weight....I had to meditate on how it felt those first few days on Weight Watchers ....What was my motivation ...Why was is it easy to be on track in September 2008 rather than in May-June 2011.

The answer was easy. I had made strict rules about what I would eat and what I would not eat. Now, I have said this time and time again. I do believe that Weight Watcher's theory of eating a bit of everything works for some people. It does not work for me. I just know that and when I go back to a strict food plan, I do better with my weight loss but, also with my entire vision of the world.

So, this past Monday, I got on my scale in the morning, faced the music and looked at that number for the very last time, I hope. I have not gained a huge amount of weight but, a few pounds here and a few pounds there, they all end up somewhere on my body.

Was this past little while only bad ? No. Even, in the lack of portion control world, I moved. On June 12, 2011, I did the 5KM Weight Watcher Walk. I jogged some of it. It was hard to keep track of the time because at some point, I lost my husband and daughter in the crowd. Did I stop walking ? Yes and no. I decided to wait for them, and marched. I moved my legs up and down. Some people thought I was weird. But, I am happy I did that. It kept my heart rate up and when I went back to jogging (mind you very slowly), my legs were warm and I could move better.

Was it hard to run ? Yep. Did I run a lot ? I don't know. I did what I could. When I walked, I walked as fast as I could.

Food plan, these days, it Atkins. I want to try something strict. It has been about 15 years since I did a very strict diet and I just want to do this for a few weeks. Just see if I can handle it. I want to go back to the when food was just that, food. Not a drug that sedates me to sleep.

The main problem I am having on the new WW plan, is the free fruit. I don't think I can eat fruit and feel the way other people feel. Maybe, it is a residual effect from GEstational Diabetes but, I sure can not eat an apple and feel full 10 minutes later. Actually, I get hungrier. I mean, my stomach rumbles, hungry. Then, I get the shakes ... I have been like this since I was a child. I remember eating an apple when I was 10 and 15 minutes later, I was so hungry, I was in tears.

Is it all in my head ? Maybe ....For now, Atkins is working for me. For what I need. Is it forever ? I don't know. It is for now and it is okay, to want something new.

With my best friend's death, I have learned one thing, nothing is either right or wrong. It just is.

Free Fuel

2011-05-25T21:32:00.000-04:00

Everyone has access to free fuel. Unless you are unable to walk for medical reasons (and I do mean severe medical reasons) your legs can bring you places you have never thought you could go.

Today, I had a dental appointment. I don't drive. Everyone knows that about me. I take Public Transit, Taxis or walk where I need to go. I have never had a problem going anywhere. Sometimes, I do have to rely on my husband to bring me somewhere fast but, for the most part, I get to where I need to be on my own.

Back to the dental appointment. The bus schedule was too complicated to figure out today. Then, I am trying to save money on useless taxi rides and then it hit me "Why don't you walk there ?"

So, it was a 2.8 KM walk there and 2.8 KM walk back to the office. Then, I had my walk in to work and back (morning and night). So, I walked well over 7 KM. I have the sunburn on my chest to prove it. How do I feel ? Other than the burn on my skin, great. I can't believe I saved $20. My legs were strong enough to bring me where I needed to go. Isn't that a different concept ? My other motivation was the scale this morning. Yes, I am back to daily weigh ins. But, not I just get on it and don't really care. I just do it, check where I am and this morning, it was a reminder that I needed to move and drink water.

I did drink water today. I remembered. How can I forget to drink water ...Well, I suppose I am human.

Moral of the story ? Move. I know it is hard. I don't think I could have walked that much years ago. I don't even ache today (other than the silly sunburn!). So, I am happy. The scale is only one way to measure success. Lets not make it an obsession!

The Saphire Colour Dress

2011-05-24T19:13:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

May 24, 2011. Where does time fly ? I am here. I am starting to feel better. My asthma seems to have stopped. Now, I just have insane exzema everywhere. But, that is okay, I just scratch myself and look like an idiot doing so....

Prior to joining WW, I would never let people take my picture if I was sitting down. I always made a point of standing or finding a flattering spot behind a chair. As confident as I was, I just hated how I looked when I was sitting down.

This past week-end, I was healthy enough to sing one Aria at the concert I organized. I was quite happy with my performance. Also, I wore the dress I ordered for the event. At first, I wasn't and then I said "No, be confident, you can wear the smallest dress in your closet. DO IT!"

In our "dressing room", the other singers commented how beautiful the colour was. I love wearing colour. Black is so not me. Although, I have noticed that most of my winter clothe was black this year. Sign, that the post partum depression was even influencing my fashion style ....

Back to the dress..... At the end of the concert, we took pictures. I decided to "sit" in front of the rest of the cast. A very bold move on my part. I wanted to know, what I looked like. Oh, I found a strategic way to hide the belly-jello. Although, spanx really does help with that.

So, here it is folks a before and after picture of me sitting! Oh, this was taken in June 2008 at a NASCAR race in Michigan.

May 21, 2011

Back on track

2011-05-07T13:07:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Afer having another difficult week with a new-old job, sick baby, sick husband, sick me, I decided to stick to the program to the best of my abilities. There were days where I just wanted to quit this week. Just quit and say "Screw it, you gave this your best shot, now just accept that you are fat and that is that."

Wait a minute ...That is not me. I don't quit. I don't quit until I have tried everything. So, armed with my points calculator, my online support, my email buddies, I did it. I stuck to the program to the best of my abilities this week. Exercise was still low but, I did move, I walked as much as I could during my work breaks.

The result ? I lost 7 lbs of the insane 15 lbs I had gained. So, now I am at 103.6 lbs lost. I can do this. I want to earn my 125 lbs lost before Fall 2011. I want to get that extra charm. How am I am going to do this ?

Tracking. Being real. Tracking. Being real and accept that I am not a machine. Everything in its own time. I can do this. I know I will do this. I have to do this because, I want it so bad. So, I need to think of me. I need to find ways to be a mom, worker, wife AND WW member. Just have to makit it happen.

I never said it was easy. There are easier times than others. At the end, slow and steady DOES win the race. Hang in there everyone.

Dairy Free - A week later

2011-05-03T10:05:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

A week later, there is still snot. Less snot, clear snot but, still snot. Must wait another two weeks.

Good news, the scale is going down.
NEVER GIVE UP!

Dust, Food and Peace

2011-05-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Saturday morning, despite my tired body, despite being cranky and mad at myself, I showed up to WW for a meeting. It had been a month since my last meeting. I went for the support. I decided to weigh in, once the meeting had started and there was no line up. I knew I had gained. I knew I had to be there.

Despite the weight gain, I am inspired as ever to accept that this journey is going to be a bit longer than I thought. Working full time, raising a very active toddler and being a singer, something has to give or I am going to lose my mind.

So, singing can wait. I had to find a replacement for a concert that I wanted to sing in May. I feel happy about finding a replacement and realizing that I can't do it all. I have not sung a single note in weeks due to all the upper respiratory problems we have all had. I have also not power walked, although I have walked just not super fast.

So, this week, my goal is to get back to tracking everything I eat, like it or not. Exercising will consist of walking to work and back, walking during breaks at work, and doing a cleaning marathon in our house.

I think my entire family is allergic to dust mites. Totally convinced, so, this week-end a new vacuum was purchased, two air purifiers for the bedroom and lots of laundry was done. I am still not done with the laundry but, I will get there. I can not believe how horrible our previous vacuum was, I vacuumed our matress (which I try to do often), well oh well, the bag is already half full with dust. Yep. Not too impressed but, happy that we may actually start feeling better.

This morning, after sleeping with the air purifier on low all night, I actually felt refreshed. My throat has been killing me for weeks in the morning, I mean pure torture, on fire. This morning, my mouth was a bit dry but, no pain.

Our daughter slept through the night and was in a good mood in the morning as opposed to a cranky spell. She still has a runny nose but, I think it is improving, I think.

It is cold today but, I went for a tiny walk during my break. Nothing major but, I got off my chair at work. It is very tempting to just sit there and do nothing, really is!

Hang in there everyone!

Dairy Free - Day 2

2011-04-27T08:45:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

In an effort to figure out if our daughter is allergic to milk protein, I have decided to go dairy free. My only exception is the small amount of cream I put in my coffee.

So far, so good. I like Soy Milk (okay, I am a whimp and drink the vanilla flavoured one). It is too early to see if it is making a difference or not. It is not that expect our daughter to be "snot" free at all times but, I would like the constant tap of clear and not-so-clear mucus to go away.

Pulmanary function test was not fun yesterday. I was not aware I had to inhale this yucky medication that would trigger an asthma reaction to see how my bronchial tubes react. How fun is that ? Not fun. Test is done and will follow up with my doctor in two weeks to see what meds we are going to try. Must admit that this morning, I feel better.

Food wise, I really stuck to my plan to be accountable for what I ate. Wrote it down, measured the food and really was happy that I walked away without eating any of the Easter Chocolates that were near my workstation at the office.

So, the battle never ends but, it gets easier to get back on track when the mind is ready. The mind has to be there. Three days ago, I was not in the zone. Today, I am. Today, is the only day that counts for now. Tomorrow, is not here.

On that note, my belly is making hungry sounds, better eat a bit of fruit! Stay tune!

Time for Spring Cleaning

2011-04-26T08:54:00.001-04:00

Good morning,

Where have I been ? Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Confused and focused and confused again.

This morning, I go for my lung capacity test. I was put on codeine a week ago to help control the cough and let me sleep. I did not take any last night, what a mistake.

Our daughter has also had non-stop mucous coming out of her nose. So, this morning, I decided to put an end to all our misery (mine and hers) and decided that dairy products will be out of our diet for at least a week. I am going to try to get an appointment with our naturopath. I do not think that it is reasonable that our daughter has a constant stream of mucous down her nose. She is getting a rash from it on her pretty face.

I was told by a GP that she has allergies but, will need to figure it out on my own. Yay! That is really supportive eh ? So, for now, dairy is out. She does not eat eggs so, not concerned about an egg allergy. She loves meat. We call her the carnivore so, not worried about protein at this time. I am giving her fortified soy milk.

As for me ...Well, it is time to really focus on eating well and forget all the stress that I have in my life. Veggies and fruit are my friend, lean proteine and no more dairy for me. I am going to support our little one by, avoiding dairy also!

Am I depressed that I have gained some weight back ? Nope. I am happy that I decided to snap out of my funk this morning. It was a funk.

I am not prepared to give up the small amount of cream that I put in my coffee. I am sure our daughter won't mind that I am making this one little break in our non-dairy cleanse.

I think it is important to remember that the battle with food, never ends. I wish it did. I wish it was easy to just eat normally. But, I can't. I will always have this problem and the only way to manage my problem is to track my food intake and exercise intake. There are worst things in life... Seriously, my belly aching has to stop. TODAY!

New Little Black Dress

2011-04-10T08:04:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Well, it seems that when it rains, it pours. My husband's ear drum is ruptured from an accute ear infection, Bambina is on antibiotics because after 8 weeks of sniffles, coughing and screaming, I am convinced she has an infection. A cold does not last 8 weeks. Then, a friend passed away. And, I am trying to negotiate a new job at work that might fit my life a bit better than what I have now.

Asthma is still problematic and I go for a pulmanary function test at the end of April.

Exercise wise, I am trying to walk on my breaks more and trying to move, despite the coughing. It is not fast but, I am trying.

The fact that my wardrobe is non existent gave me an excuse to sho shopping on Friday during my lunch break. I needed a new black dress for auditions and to sing at my friend's funeral. I dreaded trying dresses on. I hate to find dresses. My torso is longer than most women and short dresses are often too short on me. So, I had 20 minutes to find something. The sales clerk was useless, I asked for all black and she came back with pink dresses. Sigh ...

So, this is what I found:

A long way from:

New Gown, New Motivation

2011-04-02T21:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers ...

I did not quit Weight Watchers. I did not gain 25 lbs. I just had the month from hell. In between our daughter being ill and finding out that she is beyond lactose intolerant, I had accute bronchitis from being on the wrong asthma medication.

Needless to say, after 6 days of antibiotics, taking Symbicort and missing 3 consecutive WW meetings, I decided to actually go this morning. Just bite the bullet, bring my coughing lungs to the meeting and step on the scale. The damage was not that bad. Not great but, not as bad as I thought.

I was welcomed with a huge round of applause. Not quite sure why but, it was kind of nice. But, I am no miracle worker, I am just a stubborn person that will not quit.

I ordered a new gown for my concert in May 2011. It arrived Thursday. It took until this evening to try it on. I ordered it in a smaller size just to make sure it will last a long time and to give me that extra motivation to hit the pavement now that spring has actually showed up its face in Canada. Well, it did today.

My cough is still present but, it is not out of control. The one thing I have to accept is that no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be asthmatic. I find that very hard to accept. I find it hard to accept that my bronchial tubes are idiots. I find it hard to accept that a slight cold turns into evil bronchitis where I can barely walk and go up the stairs. But, I will heal. I always heal.

This is not an excuse. When asthma is not controlled, it is beyond impossible to exercise without having a coughing fit that makes one wonder where the next breath will come from.

Back to the dress. It fits. It is snug and that is the way I want it. My next concert is in 7 weeks. I am not going to focus on the scale. I am going to focus on the measuring tape. I am going to focus on being healthy. I am going to focus on my lungs healing and finding my singing voice again.

I am not a miracle worker. Losing weight is still the hardest thing I ever did and will ever do. Even being a mom seems easier these days. Mind you, our daughter is a real comedian these days and despite my coughing fits, I always made sure she knew just how much she means to me.

So, get out there. Move, eat and laugh!

Moving The Jello

2011-03-03T08:18:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

After last night's exercise session in the Batcave, I was way too tired to post a blog, I took a shower and just passed out in dream land. I was very grateful that Bambina slept till 5:30 AM. I woke up a few times due to achy shoulders (ah the joys of bursitis!) but, otherwise, I think I actually slept! I slept, wow! What a concept.

Back to Jello. I am not found of Jello (the food) on any given day and body Jello is driving me mental these days. When I was speaking about this with my husband, he asked me why this is bothering me now, as opposed to when I was at my top weight.

Truth is, at my top weight, I was solid. I was large but, there was not much jello. Everything was big but, stayed in place. Now, I am starting to find definition in my muscles below the layer of fat. So, if I wear great undergarnments, everything stays put. When I work out ....the Jello starts to move. As I was jogging last night, something was really bothering me in my lower abs ....Then, it hit me ...the extra skin and loose fat was in the way .....

I know I am getting stronger and have more stamina. I no longer feel dead at the end of work out, tired but, not dead.

Does the Body Jello bother me ? Yes and no. In a way, it proves how much I have lost and where I have come from. In another way, I am not starting to accept that some of this body jello might only improve with intense hard work and plastic surgery.

Would I consider plastic surgery ? I might .... I find that my thighs rub together in a different way now and part of it, is too much skin. Then again, this is my body and I feel no shame. The only reason I would get plastic surgery is because of the discomfort. Last night, I could run for a while but, the jello was in the way and that was frustrating.

Only time will tell....For now, I encourage you to move your jello....No matter how large you are, I know you can. I know how hard it is but, I promise you this ....It will get easier! Hugs to all of you

Eat Your Oats!

2011-02-27T20:45:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

Well, lets talk oats tonight. I have always loved oatmeal for breakfast. Mostly in the fall and winter when getting up to go to work is a pain. However, preparing oatmeal from scratch on week days with a toddler going wild is not quite an option these days. A WW member gave a great tip a few weeks ago. At first, I thought she was a bit over the top but, then it hit me ...I can use all the time saving management skills these days and can learn from a working mother of 3 (mind you her kids are WAY older).

We were talking about steal cut oats. I told her "They take FOREVER to cook. You want ME to make that EVERY morning ? Are you NUTS?" Okay, the conversation was not that dramatic.

She gave me one look and said "Cook it on Sunday, let it cool and pack it in containers in the fridge in 1 cup servings. Then, pull it out of the fridge, zap it and eat it. What is so hard about that ?"

Then, I kind of laughed. I have to admit, I like my oatmeal overcooked, I don't put milk in it. Just a measured portion of brown sugar (not lots just a bit) and that is that. Well oh well, let me tell you. This has changed my life. Steal cut oats are WAY more filling than instant oatmeal and also so yummy and almost nutty to taste. I can't eat nuts so, in my little brain, it is like I am eating something with nuts.

The Points Value Plus for 1 cup is 4. If you add milk, cream or sugar, you need to add the points.

Also, it is fairly cheap. I purchased an organic kind because that was the only type available at the store. The bag has lasted me about 3 weeks. Mind you, I am the only one eating oatmeal but, if I was feeding an entire family, I would still make it the old fashion way. It is heathier and yummy!

Have a great night everyone!

Speak Up!

2011-02-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

Hi,

Well, it is Saturday morning. Despite a rough week, an evening at the ER with my little one, having the 24 hours bug attack my gastric system, I faced the music and went to weigh in.

Well, I lost 15 lbs. Firstly, the 10 lbs weight gain from last week was obsiouvly water retention from the never ending hormonal problems I have. The extra 5 lbs was from hard work. I walked a lot this week, did weights, tracked my food and really worked hard at staying positive. 118 lbs are now gone from my body.

Which brings me to today's topic. If you attend a WW meeting, please please please speak up. Ask questions, celebrate your scale and non-scale victories, let us know if you gained weight and are feeling frustrated. Yes, your leader can help. but, the people in the group can also help. Life time members always give me tips and I use them.

The online community is also fantastic for support. And I am always available via email to help you. Finding your support group is the only way to win the battle against weight issues. You need your "peeps." Find them! If you have no peeps, I will be yours. Seriously. You can not do this alone.

Hugs!

Courage

2011-02-21T19:41:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

Life has been beyond busy and all over the place for the past few weeks. In between the Virus-From-Hell invading our house, our daughter's first birthday, my return to work....Comfort eating, lack of exercise, forgetting to eat....I just did not want to go to my Saturday meeting. I knew the scale was going to up. Did I know it would be up 10 lbs ? No. Was it a true 10 lbs gain ? No. Because, this morning, 6 of those 10 lbs were gone.

HOWEVER. I did go to my meeting. I was the first, to raise my hand and say "Hi. My life has been crap lately. I gained 10 lbs in 7 days. I am here. I want a Bravo Star. Now, let this be a lesson that no matter what, we come to meetings."

I swear. If looks could kill, I would be dead. It was hilarious. Some people were looking at me like I should just close my mouth and be quiet about my gain. Then, one of my real favourite buddies spoke up and said "We have all had those really bad weeks. MS is the only one that has the courage to speak up and admit it. So, we should all be very proud that she is here."

Okay, it is not like I am "proud" that I had a really big gain. What I was proud, was that I went in and faced the music. I am always talking about the truth. The truth was that for a moment in time, I was up a fair amount of weight. Yet, I was happy. I was happy that our daughter was getting better, the sun was out and for the first time in a long time, PPD was just not present that day.

Of course, I would have prefered to see a loss. Then again, feeling mentally stable and happy has its own merits.

Being happy requires courage. Following your dreams requires courage. Who said you could quit ? I know it is brutal to gain weight. But, who said life was easy ? Life is a battle. We must conquer every challenge the Universe sends our way. We can't just sit there and say "I give up..."

The battle ain't over ...stay tune.

Balance Rather Than Obsessions

2011-02-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

The past two weeks have been amongst the hardest in a long time for various reasons. Our daughter got quite ill with a weird virus and actually spent the morning of her birthday in the Emergency Room. Fun eh ? Then, I got that bug and lost all my energy and focus. Yet, I had to return to work on February 14, 2011. This week, I have decided to just focus on the routine of going back to work, adapting to my daughter being in full-time daycare, adapting to dressing like a professional person (rather than wearing yoga pants all day). Oh, and make up. Painting my face in the morning while our daughter is attacking things in the bathroom, is sooooooooooooo fun (not really).

So, exercise went out the window, last week, I ate way too much birthday cake and this week, I ate well. So, I go back to Weight Watchers tomorrow morning. I know there will be a gain. Am I upset ? No. Life is life. I was too sick and tired to exercise. I had to care for an infant that was not retaining any fluids, so, that was my priority.

My priority this week, was to go to work and focus on being happy. I ate a lot of very healthy veggies, fruit and lean meat. There is junk food everywhere at work. I can't believe how much junk people eat. Yet, I stayed away from it. Not even tempted.

Moral of the story ? Sometime, we just have to survive. The beauty about Weight Watchers is that, when we are ready to get back on the tracking way of life, then, things get way easier....

Stay tuned ...

BL Walking DVD Review

2011-01-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon,

Sorry for the hiatus, life has just been VERY busy. Things are looking up. I feel positive today for the first time in a long time.

I purchased several exercise DVDs the other day. Even though I am not a fan of The Biggest Loser, I have to admit, I enjoyed this exercise DVD. Last night, I was very tired and did Walk 2 despite wanting to crash on the couch. I like the fact that it is filmed outdoors. I LOVE the fact that the men and women exercising are fit yet, big! I loved that. I felt like I had support. Walk 2 was fun with the punches, I felt like a boxer for a few minutes. The sprint races are also fun (hard) but, fun. I just needed variety. Leslie Sansone's tapes are good, I just need a change.

I really encourage anyone that hates to exercise in the cold (I like it but, not everyone does) to get this DVD. I think it is very safe for ANYONE. I think I will modify it a bit to increase intensity for me and use heavier weights.

It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

2011-01-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Wow, 8 comments on my last blog post ? really ? There are people that read what I write out there ? Wow! Thank you. I will aim to be a bit more concise and organized!

As you may, or may not know, women's health issues have always been the main reason to write this blog. Yes, weight loss is important to me but, the fact that a lot of women's health issues are viewed as "It is in your head dear!" I figured it was time to talk about real things a bit more.

Eight weeks after I gave birth, I was certain I had post-partum depression. I went to one therapy session and called it quits because the psychotherapist was just on another planet. She told me to make sure I slept and took care of myself (with a colicky newborn ?). I asked her if she had children and she said "No.". Needless to say, I knew she would not be able to help me.

Around the same time, I rejoined Weight Watchers. I figured if I exercised and focused on nutrition. I would feel better. It worked for a while. I walked and walked and walked, until I needed new shoes, new clothes....I did all. Took supplements, drank water ...name it, i did ....

The last month has been pure hell. I have felt so rotten, I can't even describe it. I have been eating well, exercising, keeping a food journal, yet, I feel worst than ever before. It took a few weeks to find a psychotherapist that would be available and take me on. I worked with her for 1.5 hours yesterday.

She said it. The words I did not want to hear. The words have everyone around me have been saying and using. "You are depressed."

I did not want to hear that yesterday. I wanted to hear, that I am strong and that I can conquer anything. Afterall, I have lost 112 lbs. Isn't that something to be happy and proud of ? In reality, yes, I should be jumping for joy. Instead, I am in this weird fog. No matter what, it won't lift. It is brutal and it is real. It is so real, that I can barely explain it......

And ....I am not alone ....Is it post-partum depression ? I think it is ....I have been down before but, never to this point ....I am also taking medication for it. Of course, I am terrified that it will make me gain weight but, like the pharmacist said, if I track everything I eat and exercise, why would I gain weight ....So, we shall see...

Post-Partum Depression is real. I need to repeat this over and over again. It is real.

You Tube Can Help

2011-01-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

This morning, I SO wanted to give up on weight loss. Why ? I have been measuring food for over 2.5 years. It would be nice, once in a while, to just pour a glass of milk without measuring it.

Then, I snap out of my belly-aching mode and turn to motivational tools to keep me on the path to success. These days the WW message board has been my life line. Then, my WW email buddies are ALWAYS there to read my rants.

When all fails, I go to You Tube....Not all videos are great. Some are quite bad. Then, you find real people that have lost weight the old fashion way, without meds, without surgery. THAT motivates me. I look at them and say "They are not better than me, they worked really dam hard at this."

This guy got me out of my funk this morning.... I hope he has a blog!

Givens and Negotiables

2011-01-24T09:27:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Micromanagement is about the only way I can survive these days. My husband has been working 7 days a week, long shifts at the other end of the GTA. Might as well say, I have been on my own to care for our daughter, the house, sleep training and daycare preparation (who knew that writing our daughter's name on everything she is bringing to the daycare would be that long!) I have also been trying to prepare meals ahead of time so that when I get back to work, life won't be so insane ....So far, I have only made a batch of muffins for our daughter and froze those. Our freezer is empty, I better be a bit more serious about preparing meals.

I think I have our schedule for my return to work down path. I think. I have been working out at night despite being burn out and feeling like reading a book instead of kicking, walking and marching. Oh and there is snow to removal almost on a daily basis. Needless to say, I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Then again, I thought of a saying that one of the executives I work for told me, years ago "What are the givens and what are the negotiables ?" I use to HATE when he would say that to me. It usually meant that I had worked too hard at a project and had to go back to it to figure what can change and what can't.

So, what are my negotiables ?

- I don't have to clean the house everyday. I need to tolerate some dust and learn that even if it is a bit messy, life won't fall apart.

- I don't have to reply to emails the moment I receive them. People cant wait, and if they can't. So be it.

- I don't have to pick up the phone when it rings. If it is a real emergency, I am not 911.

- I really need to accept that it is okay to tired and that my exercise routine might not be perfect but, as long as I try everyday, that is all that counts.

What are the givens ?

- I must exercise no matter how tired I am. On the long run, it will help.
- I must track everything I eat, like it or not, that is not negotiable.
- I must remain positive. That one is so hard at the moment I am really struggling to see the brighter part of life.

Stay tuned!

MS Walks for MS

2011-01-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

Well, WW weigh in was great this morning. I was down 2 lbs despite my water retention week and feeling yucky. I also lost 2 inches around my waist. Very happy with the lost inches.

I have always loved to be a volunteer and raise money for different charities. Well, now that I am stronger than ever, it is time that I put my feet to work. I registered to walk the 5KM for MS on April 17, 2011 in my community.

So far, I have raised $275. I am in second place for fundraising efforts. That being said, I know that closer to the date, the competition will be higher as people register. So, that being said, I am asking my readers to please support the fight for MS by making a donation online at:

http://msofs.mssociety.ca/2011walk/Sponsor.aspx?PID=1249907&L=2

Am I Too Big To Exercise ?

2011-01-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

Today's blog topic is something I have avoided for a long time. Perhaps for lack of words to explain the reality of exercising while obese. I am not talking about being overweight, I am talking about the harsh reality that faces obese men and woman that want to lose weight.

Someone asked me recently if I was a fan of Biggest Loser (BL). If looks could kill, that was my answer to that person. What BL forgets to tell its viewers is that there is a huge medical team on site and therapists working with BL participants. When someone weighs well over 300 lbs it is not reasonable to expect them to run and work out 8 hours a day without professional guidance.

Now, that being said, I do believe that obese people can and should exercise. From the first day that I joined WW, I made sure I walked daily. At first it took me almost 30 minutes to walk 1 KM. My feet would hurt, I was red in the face and broke out in a sweat. I think I can walk 1 KM in about 12 minutes now, if not faster. Little things made a difference. At the office, I placed my recycling box at the other end of the building to add extra steps in my day. Also, I placed a "reminder" message on my computer screen that would flash every 30 minutes to make sure I would get off my chair and walk around the office.

When I went on business trips, I made sure I visited the hotel gym and tried the machines for as long as I could. My day job does not post me in the most luxurious hotels. Several hotels did not have gyms. So, I decided to walk the hallways. I remember on hotel attendant asking me if I was lost. I responded that I was exercising, using the stairs and the long hallways ....Of course, I got a weird smile but, I lost weight that week. Can't remember how much but, I did lose weight.

Now, this is where it gets tricky with larger bodies. Once we get moving, it hurts, it burns, it does not feel good. Does that mean we stop ? NO! I would only suggest that someone stops exercising if it hurts to the point of being sick. A bit of aches and pains does not kill someone. Trust me, I still hurt everywhere when I exercise. Heck, I hurt 24/7 because of fibromyalgia. Yet, I move. I make sure I move everyday because, on the long term, the pain is always there with me.

The other tricky part is that once your body gains strenght and trust me, it will happen, you need to move to the next level.

For example, if you started walking 10 minutes a day and it hurts. Stop after 10 minutes. But, within a few days, try to push it to 15 minutes. Then when you have done 15 minutes, try 20 minutes, and so forth. If you go all wild and crazy one day and it takes you 6 days to recover from your exercise stint, that is not going to help you get in shape. You are better to start with 10 minutes everyday, rather than one big 60 minutes session a week.

Now, I still weigh a lot. I don't reveal my weight on my blog just because I think it is irrelevant. My weight is my own private information. What I will tell you, is that I can now walk 5 KM in 50 minutes, that I can jog for 2 minutes interval, that I can stand for hours without my feet hurting, that I can run up the stairs without being out of breath (while carrying a stinky baby!!!).

Do I like to exercise ? No. I have to make myself do it everyday, like it or not. The only time that I don't exercise is when my asthma is totally out of control, which is not often. The other thing that I do like about exercise is that it makes me aware of my body; from where I was 2.5 years ago, to where I need to be.

Will I ever have abs of steal ? I doubt it. Will I ever be able to jog 5 KM with my husband and daughter ? I think I could, not soon but, I think within a year, I might be able to do that. Only time will tell.

Pilates + M.S. = Why Not ?

2011-01-20T21:35:00.000-05:00

A few nights ago, I took my courage and tried the 20 minutes Pilates Section on my Walking Off the Pounds DVD. I had watched it a few weeks ago and did not quite understand how it worked. So, two nights ago, I said "Screw it, just try it, no one is watching you...."

I do love working out at home because I can do it while Bambina sleeps and I can do it at my own pace.

Let me tell you. Those 20 minutes were the most intense physical work out I have done since giving birth. Even jogging is not as hard on my body as what this segment of Pilates.

I hated the fact that I was not sure if I was doing it well. Then again, two days later, I still feel my abs. I have not felt my abs in months due to my C-Section insicion, so, that was good. Even though it was hard work, my asthma was under control. Cardio is sometimes hard for asthmatics. When I am tired, I get congested and working out is just no fun. There was also something really powerful in my mind and soul when I did my first "plank". Very hard to explain. For once, I felt every single part of my body and I felt whole again. I felt like there was never an incision in my body and man did I shake but, I kept the form, and I did it.

Will I do it again ? Yes. I did not today because I wanted to do some cardio and weight training. Tomorrow, I will be brave enough and put that DVD track on and do it. I can do it and so can you. I am not even close to being thin but, I think I am started to be fit.

So, have you pushed yourself lately ? If not ....just try ....it might hurt but, it won't kill you, I promise you that!

If Jeans Could Talk ....

2011-01-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon,

Well, this morning I woke up and felt quite good about myself. I did my work out last night after Bambina went to bed, took a warm shower, drank water and off to bed I went. Bambina only woke up once and the poor little thing is teething so, that is quite amazing.

So, we had a good morning and then I got going and realized I was doing stuff in my pjs (oops!) and decided to get dressed. I only have two pairs of black paints and one pair of jeans in my closet. That is it. Nothing else, I am waiting till the last possible minute to purchase clothing for my return to work. I don't really need to dress up for work so, I might actually go in jeans for a while.

My jeans have been too big for me for a while. NOT THIS MORNING. I could barely get them on. Frustrating ? That is one word. Infuriating is another. For a few minutes, I looked at myself and said "This is not possible!" Of course, I jumped on the scale, which added oil to the fire and within a few minutes, I was being furious. Did I mention I have somewhat of a temper ?

Anyhow, it is 4:15 PM, and I have calmed down. I see my doctor on Thursday. Perhaps, he has an answer to all this bloating, weight gain and stupidy that is going on in my body.

Salt intake is low. I don't eat much processed food, if any.
Water intake is normal to high. I am trying to flush my body out of whatever it is retaing, to no avail.
PointsPlus, I am on target.
Fruit intake is lower than in the previous weeks.
Exercise is high, mixing cardio with strenght training (within reason).
Sleep is improving.
I don't drink alcohol.
I don't take prescription medicine.

Everything seems okay to me....I even had to take my wedding band off today because it was too tight and usually it falls off my fingers ....So, if jeans could talk today, would they say that I am fat or retaining water like mad ?

Call me Cheap!

2011-01-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Well, I have been really trying hard to save money, to count every last dime I spend on food because, lets face it, eating healthy is really more expensive in the Winter months than during the summer. I refuse to eat unhealthy just to save money. That is just wrong.

So, at our Weight Watcher's meeting last Saturday, a member said that she cooked her oatmeal for the week, way in advance, put it in pre-measured portions and she was set for the week.

At first I said "Is it really worth it ?" It seemed like a lot of work for oatment. I am weird that way. I can cook a 10 course meal but, preparing oatmeal seems long.

I had been eating instant oatmeal. I knew it was not as nutritious but, I couldn't be bother to cook oatmeal for 25 minutes each morning.

So, yesterday, I went to the store and realized that more nutrition = less points=money saved. An entire bag of oatmeal was around $3 (Canadian) and instant oatmeal was the same price. HOWEVER, there is no way that box of 6 packets would last me an entire week. So, I decided to experiment and made a batch yesterday. I like my oatmeal to be thick and really gooey. So, I just cooked it for a very long time. Then, I measured it, put it in little containers in the fridge. This morning, I did not know what to eat for breakfast. Breakfast is what seems to be causing my entire mood disorder and hunger imbalance. So, I remembered, I had my oatmeal in the fridge. I don't like sweet things in the morning. So, I had it with cheese (I know, I have weird taste buds).

So, far, my mood has been fairly stable this morning, I am starting to get hungry but, it is 10:30 AM. So, maybe this is good. Now, tonight's dinner will be made mostly of things we already have in the fridge and I think it will be a chili. I have organic beef frozen in the freezer, beans and lots of frozen tomatoes from our garden. So, I think I might actually be able to NOT go to the grocery store today. That would be great! Have a great day everyone.

The Gentle Approach

2011-01-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

When I started sleep training our daughter, I wanted a gentle approach. I knew I would not be able to do the cry-it-out techniques that other parents have used. Parenting is hard enough, I don't blame parents for trying those techniques in order to get a good night of sleep within a few days.

It sure was not for me. Our sleep technique took 14 straight days. Yes, it might appear long compared to the cry-it-out technique that takes about 2 or 3 days. However, it worked for us.

I am starting to learn, that for weight loss, I need a gentle approach and that is why Weight Watchers is working for me. Even though my weight loss is much slower (almost at a halt at the moment), I have not gained the weight back. That in itself is a victory for me. My pregnancy weight is long gone and I am happy about that. Our daughter is 11 months old. Some women do not lose their pregnancy weight for years. So, I have to remind myself that I have come a long way.

By now, you must know that I am not a Biggest Loser fan. I rarely watch it and every time I think I have the courage to watch it, I break down in tears. How is it realistic ? The BL participants are on a "ranch", away from family, loved ones and work out about 8 hours a day. I have no clue how I could work out 8 hours a day and I am not even working at the moment (although being on maternity leave is quite the job).

Am I making excuses for myself ? No. We have to be realistic in our goals and what we can achieve. Someone does not gain 100 lb overnight. The extra weight kreeps in slowly, for years, 5 lbs here, 20 lbs here ....So, why should it be a race to take it off ?

I know the answer to that question. The day I decided to do something about my health, I figured that motivation, counting points and exercise was the only thing I needed to do to lose all this weight.

Was I ever naive ....I am working out harder than when I started, measuring everything I eat, doing ressearch on nutrients, drinking water, working on being positive, yet the weight no longer melts off my body. There are days, I want to quit ....and then I go through my old pictures, I try on my sixe 5X dress that is still in my closet. That is the only item of clothing that I have kept from my big days. When I want to wallow in self-pity, I try that dress on and then it hits me "no way".

I always thought I was pretty. I always felt sexy. That was not the reason I wanted to lose weight. I was sick. My liver was slowly dying due to an Accutane overdose from my younger days and now from the extra weight.....I had to do something....

As I type this blog tonight, my entire body aches from shoveling snow, doing a work out, cleaning the house, lifting Bambina most of the day and walking over 2KM in the freezing weather to get groceries....

Even though I ache everywhere, I know that it is a good ache ....It is the ache required to rebuild my body ....I will be strong....I will but, I won't join a gym where someone yells at me, I won't partake in self-hate ....ain't going to happen!

Almost Naked!

2011-01-15T14:49:00.001-05:00

Good afternoon,

Well, I did not take a picture in December, 2010 due to lack of brains! So, I decided to take a picture today, to keep the momentum going. To keep seeing the difference, accepting the work that needs to be done and just keep moving.

This week, I lost 0.6 lb. I felt a bit frustrated because I really pushed my body hard. Then, I took my measurements and things are going down. I have to measure in centimeters now because the WW website only accepts centimeters. Oh well! The big joke this morning was that my chest is bigger than last week. Must be hormonal.

Why the Almost Naked! title. I decided to take a picture in the most form fitting outfit I own. The outfit I wear to my WI and the outfit that I wear for my workouts. I love colour. I do wear dark colours but, also wear a lot of bright ones. Wearing black all the time is a bit boring and it does not make me look smaller, that is a myth!

So, I am still at 110 lbs lost. HOWEVER, I have lost a lot of inches since the last picture and lets hope it shows (or maybe it does not). I also included a picture from way back. I was not even at my top weight...but, it was a picture where I was happy and that counts for something!

Hope everyone has a great week and remember, everything in its own time!

May 2007 - Happy despite being Big!

January 15, 2011 - 110 lbs lost

On being positive ...

2011-01-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

Hi,

It has been a rough week mentally. I have stayed on target, worked out and despite the urge to scream, yell and cry. There was plenty of crying, won't hide that.

How am I feeling today ? Well, I stayed away from the scale this morning and even though I am really curious to know where I am on the scale. I know my body has worked hard, every muscle in my body aches, feels like it has been pushed hard and that is just the way I feel today.

On the WW forum, a member has started a daily positive thread. There was one day where I was certain I did nothing right. I just felt depressed. End of sentence.

Despite feeling like garbage, I looked at all the beautiful things I have in my life and that made it feel a bit better. Not saying that depression is not real. I have no clue if I am depressed or dealing with bad sugar levels or hormones that are going "ding-dong". However, I know that I have great things in my life. Yes, the weight loss might still be on a plateau but, weight loss is only one part of my life, it can not longer be my only focus.

1- Bambina. Correction a sleeping Bambina.
2- Husband that loves me despite my insane behaviour at the moment.
3- Family that loves me despite my insane behaviour at the moment.
4- Cats that are trying to make me feel better.
5- A million friends that touch base with me.
6- WW Leader that rocks
7- Beautiful tea cup collection that I cleaned this morning.
8- A house.
9-A piano
10- My voice.

So, as I try to figure out what is wrong with me, I must remember that I have all the things and that I am blessed.

It Takes A Village

2011-01-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Day 1 of my Away with the Scale challenge has worked. This morning, despite my urge to go find the scale in its hiding place, I did not step on the scale. I went straight to the washroom, went to care for Bambina and onward our morning started.

Last night, I decided to do my workout DVD after Bambina was in bed. I had done half of it in the morning but, she was crawling too fast and getting into a million things so, it was not quite safe to exercise while she was going up the stairs on her own.

I had done one our of snow shovelling yesterday and the Walk and Jog DVD was hard last night. No matter how hard it was to lift my arms, kick, twist, I did it, till the bitter end. Then, I forgot how hard it was to sleep after working out at night. That part, I don't like but, my body will get used to it.

Now, back to the title of this post. It takes a village to raise a child can also apply to weight loss. Yesterday, I had huge problems with hypoglycemia. I am not diabetic. I do get these weird lows after eating a meal and that is really throwing me off. I do not eat refined sugar, I do not eat white bread and/or products. So, I have no clue what is happening for my sugar levels to crash a few hours after a meal. I will try to increase protein and see how that works. After speaking with a lot of friends about this issue, I decided to book a medical appointment with my doctor for next week. I don't feel sick but, I don't feel right either. Is it depression ? Is it hormones ? Is it stress ? Is it a food allergy ? I have no clue. All I know, is that I got great support from the WW board, my WW buddies and a lot of friends yesterday.

Support is important. I don't care if you say you can do it on your own. Reach out and find support now. Because, it is a bit easy at first to lose weight. The focus is there, the motivation. After two years of doing this, I am grateful I have my support mechanism in place because, it is brutal to lose weight at the moment. Despite my tracking efforts, positive thinking (although I could improve in that department big time), exercise, drinking water, finding food that is healthy, I am not convinced that my body is losing weight, at least I am sort of maintaining and not gaining huge amounts of weight, so, there is something to be said about that.

Today's exercise plan is to walk in the day outside to get a few things for the house. I should wash the floors and I am postponing that because, I just don't feel like it but, it will get done. Walk and Jog DVD will happen tonight, like it or not, that is when exercising is actually easier time wise. Energy wise, I have none left but, at least I can focus on one thing and do it right.

So, I urge you to find people that are willing to be there for you when the going gets tough. It really helps to hear that you "are doing a great job" even when you think you are failing at everything you are doing.

Away With The Scale!

2011-01-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Monster Soprano has put the scale away for a while.

This stepping on the scale on a daily basis is counter productive. I get depressed no matter what it says. Is that a way to start my day ? No.

Is that an image I want to share with our daughter ? That a scale can dictate your mood for the day ? No.

Besides, even if the number is lower at home, WW only takes the number on their scale.

Also, I want to get my blood work checked by my doctor. I am not sure all this free fruit on the new plan is a good fit for me. I think I am going to scale back on the fruit and focus on protein for a few days. See if that helps the weird ups and downs I have been having. Okay, time to call my doctor to get an appointment for all a bunch of blood work.

Walk and Jog - Day 2

2011-01-11T09:20:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Well, I made it to the bat cave this morning, put Bambina in the Exersaucer, started the DVD machine and said to my legs "You hurt but, you can do this, come on."

Part of me wanted to skip a day. When I saw Bambina's face light up from the sound of the upbeat music and her arms going up and down, I told myself "Okay, I have to do this, even if it is only to entertain this child...."

I must admit the first few minutes were brutal, I was stiff from yesterday's work out, I was out of breath despite taking my asthma meds.

HOWEVER ....

It got better. I would say around the 12 minutes mark, I was fine. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and the burn did go away in my bronchial tubes. It took a while but, it did go away.

By the end of the work-out, I was fine. At first, I really did not think I could do it. Why exercise if I am asthmatic ? Because, it helps. I don't exercise if I am in full blown respiratory distress. However, I do aim to get back to it as soon as possible. I find it reduces the need for daily medication and I have not had a full blown asthma attack in years. A full blown attack is not fun. I usually end up in urgent care with a mask on my face. I don't think I have had one of those in about 10 years. They suck, big time.

So, moral of the story, fat, thin, sick, heatlhy, we all have to move everyday. Try it, it helps!

New DVD

2011-01-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Sleep training is going well. As I type this, I am trying to ignore the "gargles" sounds in the nursery as Bambina is supposed to nap, not practice gargling. I have learned one thing from this nap training, our daughter is very independant and rocking her to sleep was actually stimulating her. The last time I rocked her to sleep, I ended up with scratches on my face, an less hair on my head. So, no more. She gets lots of cuddles during awake time and lots of "flying time" but, otherwise, she is learning to fall asleep on her own.

This is the DVD I purchased yesterday. I was a bit nervous to do it this morning but, I said "Just put it in. Try it, worst comes to worst, you are not ready for it and it is okay."

Well, I did it all! Including the jog intervals. I had a few problems with the side moves because our floor is a bit slippery but, I modified it. Otherwise, it went by quickly, my heart rate went up, Bambina thought it was hilarious to see mom jump and down.

I made sure to take my asthma medication this morning and actually took the dosage that my doctor told me. Going from 1 to 2 puffs made such a big difference. I am an idiot. I must take this medication until I get better, it is the only way to heal.

Back to the DVD, the main reason I love these is that they moves are easy to do. Not complicated dance moves. I also focus on my posture when I do it (which is important for singing and positive attitude).

I am not sure this would be the DVD to start if you have NEVER exercised. I was not winded but, I did feel challenged, which is good. I love that I can do this when the weather is bad and not go to a gym. Have I mentioned how much I hate gyms ? Yes, I have many times. No need to go into that at the moment!

So, get moving, no matter if you are 500lbs or 150lbs, everyone has to move!

Consistency

2011-01-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Hi,

Today, the walking club met at the dome and we walked in the dome. I hate that dome. I want to do my 5 KM outside but, for now, this is working and the safest thing for everyone involved. The trail system where we live is not maintained in the winter and some of the parts of trails are near water so, they are quite icy.

This morning, I was still coughing. So, I made another resolution to take my asthma medication and just go walk, no matter what.

I did 5 KM in 50 minutes. I was quite happy with that. I was coughing a bit but, I knew if I kept breathing, I would not have a full blown asthma attack.

Later on, I met one of the walkers at the mall (this walker is a WW life member) and we started to laugh. She said "Who said it was easy...." and I told her "I think I might have said that at a meeting ...." and we laughed .....

We laugh a lot at our meetings. Our leader is a rock star (well, not really but, she is amazing). We also support each other a lot. We remind each other of the hard times and good times. We make sure we are there for each other. Most of all, we laugh through good and bad.

We have a lot of new WW members at our meeting. I sure hope I see these members FOREVER. Forever ?

Yes, forever. Meetings work. This week I did not want to go. I hated the fact that I had gained weight, I hated the fact that I had not exercised in two weeks because of my health. I just felt yucky.

The online members told me "GO!" So, I went. I faced the music and feel inspired forever. We have a member that has been going to meetings for over 18 years. This person inspires me on a daily basis.

We have a member that has joined WW 25 times. This member also inspires me. Both these members have kept the weight off for years. Are they better than me ? No. They are consistent.

One thing I am learning from sleep training our daughter, is that I have to be consistent. I have to remind myself that our daughter has proven to us that she can self-soothe (she has a weird technique but, it works). So, if I let her be, let her attack her lovey for a few minutes, she falls asleep within 20 minutes on her own. When I decide "Oh no, I should rock her", sleep can take 1.5 hours ....Yeah, I am a slow learner. I am bright but, a slow learner.

So, same thing with WW. There is no perfect member. But, we do have consistent members. Members that do what works: tracking, exercising and attending meetings.

To all the new members, I am not saying this will be easy. This is hard. But, like parenting, it does get easier.

Try to move today. Even if it is for 15 minutes. I know you can do it.

Goals for 2011

2011-01-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Dear readers,

Christmas 2010 will be remembered for our daughter's first Christmas. She enjoyed her gifts and seemed to be aware of what was going on.

Now, there were not many pictures of any of us. We were all sick. I mean SICK. I never get colds. This cold was (and still is) a monster cold. We all got it. Sleep deprivation hit an all time high. From December 25, 2010 to January 5, 2011, I think I slept a total of 1 hour a night.

A number of friends came to my rescue and advised that it was time to sleep train our daughter or I would never survive. At first, I thought these friends were cruel and how dare they tell me how to raise our daughter.

Then, I stoped being a victim mom and went to Chapters to find a sleep training guide that felt good for our situation and life.

I gained 4 lbs during the holidays. Life goes on. I am back on track and hoping to sleep soon.

Sleep training our daughter is one of my many goals for 2011. I go back to work on February 14, 2011. That, in itself, stresses my brain more than anyone can realize. I have no clue how I am going to get anything done and I sure will miss our Bambina. Then again, the strict routine of a job, might help me get everything done. Only time will tell.

Would I like to meet my WW goal this year ? You bet I would. Is it realistic ? I don't know. I will try but, I also promise to be kind to myself if I have bad weeks.

As I type, Bambina is babbling in her crib, attacking her lovey and rolling the letter R.

Hmm, there is no more noise in the nursery....lets go spie on Bambina.

I must never make eye contact. She is almost asleep. Not quite. Must return to my safe spot.

Hang in there everyone, keep moving, tracking and most of all LAUGHING!

New WW Program - Results and Review

2010-12-22T07:40:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

I should have posted Saturday. However, I have a cold. I never get colds. I have been living on water, Advil Cold, Coffee and citrus fruit. I hate citrus. It is not something I like. I love all other fruit. Anyhow, here I am 5 days later telling you about my results.

The first week on this new program and I lost 2.4 lbs. The first day on program was hell. I was so confused. I had to pretend I did not know what anything was worth. Recalculate everyhing in our house and at the grocery store.

Pros:
-love the free fruit and veggies (most veggies, I don't eat much corn/peas/potatoes)
-love the way that lean protein is still almost the same points
-love the fat free dairy is still on board
-love the fact that I can barely eat my daily point allowance
-love the 49 extra points that I will use at some point, I am sure.

Cons
- almost impossible to estimate accurately
- dinning out will cost you a lot of points (and so it should)

All and all, it is an easy program. People starting it now and never did the previous one, won't struggle, it is the people that have been on the other program for a while that are a bit confused.

I have not exercised much this week. Too congested.

Perspective

2010-12-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Once in a while (like this morning), when I step on the scale and I see that the evil mean creature of a scale is staying the same, I want to quit.

For five minutes, I belly ache about how I suck and I will never be thin. Usually, after 5 minutes, Bambina has started to "attack" a cat and the belly aching is over and routine comes back to slap me in the face and say "Enough!"

Sometimes, perspective is important. Yes, the scale might not be going anywhere these days. But, my measurements don't lie. I am getting smaller, somehow....

I am also getting much stronger. Yesterday, my power walk consisted of grocery shopping in the snow, pushing a stroller with a 22 lbs baby in it and lots of groceries. The snow added resistance and we got caught a few times. I wanted to take the Bob Stroller out (way easier in the snow) but, there is not much room in the basket to put groceries.

I made a super yummy vegetable soup last night to start our dinner.

I also found out that a dear friend has been "surplused" (what a beautiful word to say layed off) her job after 21 years with the Public Service. Yep, even the Feds are letting people go these days. Unreal....

So, I have a lot of things to be grateful for:

1- Much healthier eating habits.
2- Improved physical activity.
3- Miracle Baby (well, that should have been number 1 but, I refuse to edit my blog entries!)
4- Great hubby that loves me fat or not.
5- Three cats that drive me mental but, entertain our daughter when I need a break.

On that note, I should go to the batcave and move my body and burn a few calories. Snow removal is in order today. It is not tood hard to put Bambina in the stroller while I shovel. I could ask hubby to do it but, he is super burned out and has a cold.

Mommyhood and Weightloss

2010-12-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Well, in the land of the sleep deprived, I am just trying to survive. Trying to cope with the cold weather. Since I lost weight, I can't cope with the cold at all. I was raised in Montréal, Québec and then in North Eastern Ontario, one would think I would be used to this cold weather.

Nope.

Bambina is teething and going through a growth spurt. Which means, she is up at all hours of the night. For the past few nights, I have been trying to co-sleep with Bambina. She got some sleep, I got kicked, scratched and pinched most of the night.

So, I am on the new WW program and learning the new point values and trying to cope with the change. I have had had two good days on program yet, my daily weigh in at my home scale is going up. Fun eh ?

Then I remembered, it was December 14, 2010, which meant measuring tape time. Oddly enough, I lost another 5.5 inches off my arms, waist and chest. Hips and thighs (quelle surprise!) remained the same. I did not take my lower leg measurements last month, so, I took it this morning to compare in January 2011.

This should make me happy right ? I should be thrilled that my arms are down by two inches. My arms have been bothering me for quite a while.

Yet, I am not happy. Because, I want the scale to be down. Because, at WW meetings, it is the scale that counts in most people's eyes. Not measurements. I might just be "unimpressed" because I am darn tired. I think even if I won a million dollars, I would not have any reaction this morning because, I am tired.

Being a mom is more than a full time job. Yet, I have also decided to take on the full time job of losing weight. In two months, I go back to work. I am quite nervous to know if I can keep it all in line. Lets hope.

Unless you are a new mom, you can't tell me "oh you will be fine". Working moms around me have told me "It will only get worst before it gets better." So, to my single friends that have no children, thanks for your advice but, I just need to go through this funk for the moment.

Then, I have friends that have "perfect" babies that try to cheer me up. I am happy that some moms don't have the active baby that we have. I would not change our daughter for any other child. However, I could use a day of her taking naps, sleeping and not trying to climb Mount everest at 10 month of age. Our daughter is an explorer, is super curious and will only stop for 2 seconds if injured (baby proofing is a 24/7 job in our house).

Moral of the story ? I might not be the example of the best WW member at the moment but, I am just trying to survive. Eating the best choices I can and working out.

Working out is not even giving me energy anymore. It is just helping me cope. I am not depressed, just realistic. I am dedicated to healthy living not being skinny. Being healthy means listening to my body that is saying:" One step at a time."

New WW Program

2010-12-12T13:34:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon,

Okay, yesterday's weigh in was quite bad. Up 5.2lbs. I knew that in between the sleep deprivation finally kicking in, way too many taste tests of the infamous baking batches I made and lack of moving my butt, I knew the scale would tell the truth.

I was not upset. I actually thought I was up more than that.

So, this morning, I joined a few friends, walked the track as fast as I could for about 1 hour. Then, got home and made sure I read the material concerning the new WW plan. It is not difficult, just need to reprogram my brain with the points that I knew, versus, the new points.

All in all, I love that WW has finally decided that 1 point of fruit is not the same as 1 point of crap food. Finally, I have been saying this for months.

I love that fruit is "free". Seriously, who ever got fat from eating too many fruit and vegetables ? Like anything, food moderation is important and WW is not saying to go eat 12 bananas per day! However, it does feel good to not have to count my morning apple!

So, I feel motivated and really hope I do the program well this week. If not, there will be another week to keep trying. I will never give up.

Garbage Food = Feeling like Garbage

2010-12-06T10:08:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

I missed my Saturday weigh in because I had a coaching in Toronto with my voice teachers that travel from the USA to Canada.

Was that a reason to overload on carbs on Friday and Saturday ? No. Somehow, it was like I could not stop eating. I was starving, everything tasted SO much better than it has for weeks.

That being said. Sunday morning I felt like garbage.

Then, I remembered I had the 5 KM Monthly walking club. I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home and feel sorry.

A friend kicked my ass on Facebook and called me and said "You are the leader of this walking club and you won't go ?"

So, I said "I know, I will be there, no worries."

We did our walk on a dome covered track. It was different. Not my favourite but, we really pushed ourselves. Some were jogging, I was proud of the joggers, I just walked as fast as I could to get rid of the sugar overload in my body.

This morning, I feel better despite waking up 3 times to a screaming Bambina. I have cleaned a lot this morning and intend on doing some snow removal and my walking DVD.

I am not perfect. My blog is about the truth. The truth about the ups and downs of weight loss. I can't eat sugar anymore. I am not diabetic but, man, am I sensitive to it.

Friday I ate a brownie and apple juice. What a stupid move that was ....Took me two days to feel normal again.

So, if you have been off program (whatever your program might be), its okay, we all fall off at some point. The difference between success and failure is how fast you get back on that wagon. I got back on it yesterday and I feel better!

Back to Reality

2010-11-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

What a week-end..... Our fundraiser was excellent, the musicians were in the zone, I was running like a maniac, we raised a lot of money, food and awareness for a local mission. I was pleased.

Then, I had an audition on Sunday. Which went quite well but, I never hold my breath and expect anything after auditions. I just sing, focus on what I can offer and then, it is over.

Yesterday, I only did a tiny walk and focused on eating as healthy as possible. I kind of overloaded on the carbs this week-end. I needed them, for comfort but, also for fuel, I was dead tired and had all this singing to do. An excuse ? Perhaps but, also a reality. Protein does not help me in performance mood, I need the fuel NOW and I can't wait for it.

Today, I started the day with a healthy breakfast. Tried to convince Bambina that the mango slices on her tray were not poison. Our daughter is hilarious. She loves vegetables. Fruit, not so much .... One would think that the sweetness of fruit would be something she likes, nope. She likes veggies. I am not going to argue with her, although green beans for breakfast is ...a bit odd!

Then, I got my work-out done in the basement. It is pouring out there and I am not even making an attempt of walking in that cold rain with Bambina, it is just not going to happen.

I have to admit, if feels good to have a bit of a boring week with nothing too specific scheduled. Wait a minute, I have two coachings this week ....I better start practicing!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Down 112.4 lbs

2010-11-27T12:11:00.000-05:00

Hi,

Super quick post, I am going a bit insane today. Major fundraiser is tonight.

This week I was down by 2.2 lbs for a total of 112.4 lbs lost. I am dead tired, I want to sleep all day but, I need to get moving to get energy to sing tonight for charity.

Talk to you more on Monday, when I will have more time!

Dealing with Change

2010-11-24T12:04:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Quick post. Life has been quite insane in the past little while because I am organizing a fundraiser at our church. I love this type of work but, it means no time to blog.

So, last week, at my official weigh in, I was up 0.2 lb. So, I had no weight loss for two weeks and then a gain of 0.2 lb. Fun eh ? I knew increasing my exercise would temporarily screw up my body but, this has been hard on the ego.

I know I am down, my new pants are already too big at the waist. The scale, well, she is an evil thing at times.

On December 5, 2010, WW is changing its plan. We don't know what it is all about. I can't wait to hear about it. I sure hope it includes something about the Glycemic Index or healthy eating. Although I love Weight Watchers, I never thought that a point is a point. An apple is processed by the body way better than a 1 point candy. I don't care what anyone says, real ingredients in a cake can be burned off way easier than a cake made with corn syrup, trans fats and junk flour.

We shall see. I am looking forward to the changes and so should all our WW members. Routine can be good but, it can also be bad.

So, Saturday, lets hope that scale is down. I am moving, drinking water and counting points. It is bound to go down at some point!

Inches VS Pounds

2010-11-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Well, I stayed the same on the WW scale this week. Two weeks in a row. However, I have lost a total of 5 inches in this month. Two on my waist, two on my hips and one on my legs. Chest and rib cage remained the same (which makes me happy!). My rib cage might not change much for a while due to singing and have carried a vertical baby with her head underneath my left rib. I still feel the expansion yet, she is not in my body. Weirdest thing ever.

I will admit. I was furious at the scale yesterday. However, lost inches must prove that I have done something in the past month. I kind of prefer the lost inches because it means clothes fit better and people notice a difference.

Also, the skin on my face is clearing up. This morning I noticed it was quite nice. My hair ? It will never be calm and controlled again. I am going to be Medusa for the rest of my life unless I hire a personal hairstylist.

Moral of the story ? I must read my own posts. I can not quit. I must persevere and the scale will go down at some point. It is raining today. So, it will be a work out in the basement kind of day and I also have a rehearssal this afternoon.

This week, my goal is to exercise and nap. I never take naps and I think the time has come to take naps. I am beyond exhausted.

Hang in there everyone!

Moving, Moving, Done!

2010-11-10T14:50:00.000-05:00

Good morning, I mean afternoon, what time is it ?

Bambina turned 9 months today. I think she has her first cold. I am lucky, in a way, that it took 9 months for her to get her first cold. That being said, I did not sleep last night. Not at wink. I tried to co-sleep with her but, it turned into a party and then we got up because I could not figure out what was wrong with her.

The runny nose showed its evil face this morning. I hope she is like me. I prefer a runny nose to a stuffy nose. At least the junk can come out.

Now, this morning, I really did not want to move. But, I got down to the basement, put in the DVD and walked one mile. Then, I had an appointment to go to for business.

Then, I got Bambina to nap again and did another mile on the DVD. So, I did two miles of walking off the pounds. I can actually feel it in my legs this afternoon. It has to be working something. My thighs are very heavy so, I think the knee lifts are working, I think, I hope!

I might do a small walk with Bambina to get fresh air in her lungs when she gets up. It is beautiful outside. It has been a rough day, I am feeling the lack of sleep but, if I go for a nap, I might not wake up!

Keep moving people, even if you are tired, try to do a few minutes!

Get a grip and plan!

2010-11-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Wows, the morning started early this morning with Bambina up at 5 AM wanting to party. So, up we got. I was not too tired. Stiff from my new work out but, not tired. As long as I can find my glasses in the morning, my morning starts well.

I was grateful that when I got down to the kitchen there was enough coffee left over from my husband's early brew to have at leat 3/4 of a cup without having to make a whole cup. I don't need as much coffee as before to kick start my morning. I mostly like it because it is warm. I am also trying to drink more tea and herbal tea to cut out my one bad habit that I can't kick: splenda and light cream in coffee. I have cut out everything else that is wicked. That is my last vice. Oh well.

Anyhow, for the past few days, I have made sure to PLAN my work out schedule. I have been planing my food schedule for months (read years now) but, exercise was always a bit inconsistent. So, last night I told myself, that after breakfast, cleaning the dishes and changing Bambina from her pjs to street clothes, that I was going to the basement, like it or not, turning the DVD on and getting my first Walking Off the Pounds DVD. Yes, there were a few interruptions from Bambina screaming in the play pen, running away to eat cat food (forgot that the cat food bowls were in the basement) and a stinky diaper. Yet, I got it done. Perhaps not the most effective workout but, I did break a sweat, felt pulls in my legs and learned a few more moves. The sun is out and I need a few groceries, so, I will get in an extra walk or two outside. I might try another DVD work out this afternoon. We shall see.

I know, it is easy for me to say to plan, while I am off work. However, I find it harder to plan than ever without an office schedule. When I first started Weight Watchers, I was travelling like a maniac for work, I was never home, I was eating 80% of my meals in hotels or cheap restaurants. Yet, that is how I lost my first 60 lbs. I was on the road, it would have been so easy to order junk food in my room and continue to do paper work rather than take the time to eat a healthy meal, go to the grocery store/corner store to get fruit. Some of the hotels, had no gyms. My employer puts us up in cheap facilities. So, I remember one day just going up and down the "emergency" stairs to get a form of work out. At another location, I just walked and walked outside the building (there were no streets, it was near an airport). Yes, I made it worked. I planned ahead by bringing cans of fruit in my luggage and some fresh fruit. I brought instant oatmeal and peanut butter. I am allergic to nuts but, I can have a bit of peanut butter sometimes without being too sick.

Every Friday night when I would get home, I was terrified about my Saturday morning weigh in. Yet, I would have lost weight and my group members were surprised that I ate most of my meals at the restaurant.

The thing is. No matter how busy, stressed out, sleep deprived or just plain exhausted, if you plan your meals for the next day AS WELL as your exercise, you are bound to succeed. You might not always lose weight.

Planning a food journal, menu or meals for the week ahead is not that long people. Please do not tell me it takes hours. Because, it is not true. Keep in mind, I don't drive and get most of our groceries at a discount grocery store. I get it done. I know the night before what we are having for dinner. I am mostly alone these days to prepare dinner. With Bambina crawling and getting into everything, making a stir fry with vegetables and fish, might take 1 hour. So, if you have no toddlers or young children, why are you eating fast food or crap for dinner ? Convenience ? Comfort? Fatigue ? Boredom ? Laziness ?

Get a grip. No more excuses. I hear it every week at my Weight Watchers meetings "It is so long to cut vegetables." Come on. Really ? You can purchase pre-cut veggies (for a large sum of money) but, cutting a few peppers, celery, onion, carrots takes me at the most 10 minutes and that is with me going "Bambina, leave the cat alone. No, please don't eat his fur. Okay, please come in the little chair for mom ? Yes, I know you are screaming, lets get you out of there. Fine, eat cat fur...Seems yummy to me".

If you have older children, get them to work. Kids love to help. Don't tell me it is dangerous to let them chop veggies. They can at least wash them and perhaps put the seeds or stems in the compost bin. The children can help set the table. Older kids can even help plan the menu. Get them involved, give them choices if they can't make up their mind "Do you want pork loin or chicken breast?"

I was cooking full family meals by the time I was 10 years old. I am still alive, did not burn the kitchen down. There were a few meals that were not too good because I overcooked the rice or undercooked the pork. But, my mom always said "You tried and next time, your pork will be great!"

Am i perfect ? No. The other day, I really wanted to go to the mall with Bambina. I said "Hmm, I don't want to bring my lunch, but, what the hell am I going to eat there ?" So, I remembered that Subway has a decent salad that they make in front of you. I told them "No cheese" and I added a chicken breast. Yes, it cost me $10 and that was a lot for a salad. I am certain I could have had a big foot long sub full of crap in it (cold cuts are pure poo people, another thing that needs to be illegal) for cheaper. But why ? Just to get my dollars worth ? What about my ass ? That 10$ salad was actually fresh, I got to spend time with Bambina while she was eating brown rice puffs and we had a good laugh.

I know I sound cranky this morning. I am just fed up of hearing excuses from people asking me for help on how to lose weight, yet, all I hear are "Well, I am busy, tired etc ......"

Again, I am not perfect. I have screwed up many times in my life. This time ....I am on track!

New Picture!

2010-11-08T09:54:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

Bambina is taking a nap. Time to post a quick blog. I already did one work out from the Walk the Pounds Away. It required hand weights and I could not find mine. So, I did the modified version and I did 1 minute while holding Bambina that weighs well over 20 lbs. So, I was working hard.

The new picture was taken yesterday, November 7, 2010 before going to church. As you can see, I am still having bad hair. But, this picture is my new motivation to keep going and to stay with my program. The scale is not moving much but, maybe the inches are going away.

Next Monday, I check my measurements. I think I have lost inches. I think is the key word. I have donated the last of my fat clothes. I have only kept one pair of slacks and one dress. Because, when I feel down, I look at those and say "Monster, don't go back to that. STAY ON TRACK."

So, today, I have a photo shoot for the local paper for the fundraiser that I am doing on November 27, 2010. Must get that hair under control!

P.S. I just noticed, I am typing this blog with my legs crossed!

Kick Negativity to the Curb

2010-11-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Well, this week the scale decided to stay at the same number. I was sure I had lost at least 1 lb. Nope. It stayed the same.

For 2 seconds, I was mad, frustrated, wanted to run to the pastry section of the grocery store (our WW meetings are in a grocery store) and then I looked at my total weight loss 110.4 lbs. I can't eat a pastry just because I am pissed of at a scale.

I spoke to my leader. She reminded me that every time I increase my exercise (this week was the cardio), the scale does not budge for two weeks. Another member laughed and said "This happens all the time, remember ?" Then, I had a good laugh and said "F-ck it."

Today, we had our monthly walking club. It felt great, it was cold, we were 6 including Bambina, and we did it. We did the 5 KM. We had a good talk about nutrition, fitness and for me, it was great that I could keep up the pace. My husband was there. He had to take the lead at one point because Bambina was not happy in the stroller. That man walks fast. Bloody fast. We couldn't keep up with him but, we tried.

So, what do you do when the scale does not move despite your efforts ? You keep going. You keep trying and most of all you keep your chin up. You increase exercise, you measure the food, you drink the water and mostly, you laugh and remember that this too shall pass. This is not a plateau, it is my body retaining water from increased exercise. It is frustrating. I sure have days where I want to quit. But, I can't. I don't quit. I just keep walking and moving. i keep eating vegetables rather than junk. I make sure that I eat apples rather than chocolate. I make sure that my mind is positive rather than negative. I talk to myself in the mirror and say "You CAN and MUST do this."

I surround myself with loving, caring, supportive, comical people. I sure don't need negative people in my life telling me "Your program is not working, see, you are not losing weight."

The fact is, I have not gained weight back, I have lost 110.4 lbs. Yes, the weight loss is slowing down. Yes, I am sleep deprived. Yes, I am trying to audition, apply for a new job, care for a baby, lose weight, exercise and there are days, that it is just all too much. But, I plug away at it. I will not fail. I will not gain the weight back and I will lose more.

So, it is a new week, that scale will be down next week....it sure will!

Walking The Pounds Away

2010-11-05T10:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, super quick post while Bambina naps.

Yesterday, I got this DVD called Walking the Pounds Away. I wanted something simple that I could do in our century home basement (read tiny and no higher than 7 feet tall). Jumping is out of the question in the basement.

So, it is raining outside. Which means, I doubt that I will get a walk in until it calms down. So, this morning, I put bambina in the play pen and loaded up the DVD, well, within minutes I was sweating, my heart was not pounding but, I broke a sweat. I had to get Bambina out of the play pen because she wanted to "kick" to the music on the DVD, so, I put her down, she kicked and I walk.

Well, the DVD says we walk a mile in less than 15 minutes. No shit. At that pace, I can believe it. No matter how fast I walk with the stroller, I sure don't get my heart rate going up enough. So, I think I am going to do the DVD plus an exterior walk today if the rain calms down. I love walking outside.

I will aim to upload a picture of the DVD if I can get google to find it.

"That won't fit you"

2010-11-04T19:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, life has been insane. Bambina is just full of surprises these days. Last week, not sure how much I lost but, my total weight lost is 110.4 lbs. I think I lost 2.2 lbs. Too tired to go find my WW book.

So, Thursdays are usually the days where I have fun. Meaning, I only walk if I want to, only clean the house if I must. I used to go to the Mommy Movies with Bambina but, she is crawling too much and the last time I went, I ended up with my glasses being thrown at the other end of the theatre in the dark. Not fun.

So, today, I had to go to the local mall to pick up something I ordered for Bambina. Then, I took my courage and went into Reitmans. I forgot that they had a Plus Size section. The reason I forgot, is that for years, I was not able to fit even in their largest size.

At the "height" of my obesity problem, there were not many places I could find clothing. Pennington's was about the only place where I could find pants. Most of my gowns were ordered from the USA, where it seems that the sizes are even larger than in Canada. Addition-Elle, I could not fit in there. Reitmans Plus Size, nope. Walmart ? Well, I just don't buy anything at Walmart. Sears ? Too small. The Bay ? Nope.

I always tried to pick basic colours and jewel tones. I did what I could with what was available.

Most of my life, I heard "That won't fit you." Because, I was too big.

I have not been able to purchase pants at Reitmans in my entire adult life. Never.
So, today, I took my courage and took a size 22W, their largest size on the rack, brought Bambina in the change room with me, and prayed. I told myself, if they were too tight, it was okay, I would just work harder.

I left the change room to check myself out. The pants looked really odd. The sales lady told me "They are too big, that is why. Let me pick a smaller size."

I told her "Oh no, don't bother, they won't fit." The woman looked at me like I had 3 heads.

So, I took my courage and tried the 20W she brought over.

They fit like a glove. Yes, I am still fat. I don't look like a model. But, I no longer need 28W-30W pants. That feels good. It feels good to not have to panic that if I put my pants in the dryer and they shrink that they might actually still fit!

Not sure what the WW scale has in store for me on Saturday but, I have done everything I can this week.

Evil Salt

2010-10-23T15:15:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon,

Well, I think I got rid of the plateau. I think, is the key word here.

Official weigh in registered a 2.2 lbs lost. Quite happy with that, even though I was aiming for 3 lbs. I never seem to be able to lose for than 2 lbs. That is okay. Losing more than that, is not always a healthy weight loss.

So, I think Salt is even more evil than Sugar. I think Sugar can be burned out of your system. Salt ? I think, we have to sweat it out or pee it out. So, I am going on an Anti-Salt crusade. I don't understand why it needs to be in everything we eat.

This morning, I purchased canned chick peas that had no salt. WOW. What a difference in taste. A bit bland at first but, then I could really taste the legume rather than salt. I know. I could make my own but, at the moment, I am just a bit busy with Bambina crawling everything.

At the moment, she is attacking a score (that I don't like) which gives me a few minutes to type.

I worked really hard this week to lose 2.2 lbs. I did it and now, it is a new week and need to keep going.

Total Weight Loss = 108.2 lbs

Numbers Game

2010-10-21T09:35:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Bambina is taking a nap. My husband is off work for a few days and I think I have figured out a few things this week. The official weigh in is on Saturday. However, if I can keep the number that was on the scale this morning, I will be more than thrilled.

First thing first, the sugar free mints I was sucking on while cleaning the house were giving me heartburn. I still have a bit of "burn" left but, it could be nerves for my pending audition.

Secondly, prepared food is evil. I know that. However, looking back at my food journal, I had been using more and more "diet" food to try to save time. Seriously, dumb move on my part. The salt in this prepared food was killing me slowly and really not helping me save time, when I think about it.l

Thirdly, I have been diligent about exercise this week. Yesterday, I wanted to stay in bed all day. I was so tired. Bambina is crawling non-stop and getting into things that I was 100% sure was baby proof. Think again mom!

Fourthly, I have only used one flex point this week. Maybe, I was using Flex as comfort food just a bit too much. We are allowed to use Flex but, not just for the sake of eating. Must listen to my "I am full" signals a bit more.

Lastly, I watched BL this week. I hate that show and I turned it off. I thought it might motivate me but, it doesn't. I don't think this TV show is realistic. No one can work out 8 hours a day and live on such low calories forever. Which is why I love Weight Watchers. It is a life change not, a diet.

The one thing that I like about BL is that they focus on percentage of weight loss. I did the math this morning.

My official percentage loss is 28% as per my WW book. As per this morning, it is 28.5%. Who knows what it will be on Saturday.

28% = a lot of me is gone

Now, if that does not motivate me, I don't know what will! Have a great Thursday everyone.

Reflux ... Go Away!

2010-10-19T21:18:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

Reflux, heartburn, call it whatever you want. As a singer, I hate it. I don't really have a serious case of it. However, for the past few days, it has been hell. I am eating REALLY well, I don't even think I had diet pop for several days, only half a cup of coffee at the most.

I think it might be the sugar free mints that I have been sucking on, to keep my throat moist while I clean all the dust in our house. I have been eating a lot of veggies. I don't get it. It is not to the point of affecting my voice but, it affects my sleep.

So, not too impressed. So, will aim to go to bed early, maybe I can find a way to sleep despite the burn....argh.

To Eat or Not to Eat

2010-10-18T20:51:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

Short post, I am tired. Not exhausted just tired.

As I type this, I look at my food journal and I have 8 points left to eat for the day. Yet, I am not hungry. My WW leader is big on us eating our daily points. However, am I going to eat just to eat ? That sounds stupid.

So far so good, I have not eaten flex points. I have exercised every day. Our beautiful child slept through the night last night (that is because she refused to nap most of yesterday).

I have been writing my "thought of the day" the night before to help me stay on track when I wake up. It feels great to read it in the morning. The scale is still not moving. Do I care ? Nope.

Tomorrow, is another day.

I will NEVER Give Up

2010-10-16T11:44:00.001-04:00

Good morning,

Well, I stayed the same this week. No weight gain, no weight loss. So, I am grateful for no weight gain. One must always be grateful.

So, Mr Plateau is here. I worked hard this week. I did not use all my flex points, walked, tracked. Yet, The Bitch (WW Scale) tells me I have not lost weight.

After two years (minus 9 months of being pregnant), I was ready to quit last night. Ready, to say, screw it, I am not doing this anymore. Then it hit me "Since when do you quit doing anything ?????"

So, I took my ego this morning, took our daughter and went to the WW Meeting. My husband is doing major renovations and could not care for her so, that was okay. Bambina behaved for the most part and when she was acting up, I took her out of the room, to ensure that the other members could listen and focus on our leader's wise words.

I spoke to my leader this morning. Told her about this. So, we agreed that I would aim to not use Flex Points this week, increase water and aim for a 5 KM everyday. Just to kick start the metabolism.

I also took my measurements last night. I have not done that, almost ever. I remember when there was a time, there was not enough measuring tape for my hips. I think my hips used to be around 66 or 67 inches. Now, I think, they are down to 55 inches. I might get my husband to retake the measurements because, I find it hard to measure myself and my mom (the oh so talented seamstress) has always told me that one can not measure oneself very well.

So, do I want to quit ? Hell no. I am here for the long battle to win this battle against obesity. I will and I shall.

The Scale - Friend or Enemy ?

2010-10-14T20:32:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

I think this is helping. Bloggin at night after Bambina is in bed. Tonight might be a rough night, teething has made Bambina a crabby little creature for the past few days. Not her fault and there are times, she is so miserable, I think she is even getting on her own nerves. Quite something....Probably why we do not remember infancy!

So, the scale ...lets talk about that b-tch. The scale is feminine in French (my first language). So, I call her The Bitch. This morning, I was sure, I was going to be down. Nope. Up by 1.6 lbs.

Mad ? Pissed ? Frustrated ? You bet. Can I afford to be mad, pissed and frustrated in front of our infant ? Nope. So, I need to re-evaluate my relationship with the scale. Thing is, I only trust the Saturday morning weigh in at Weight Watchers. That is where the real powerful scale is. I call it the Black Beast. It is black, big and sturdy and there is not lying when that thing tells you how much you weigh.

The one I have at home is often a bit higher than the one at WW. So, who knows. I have a lot of friends that disagree with my daily weigh ins. I just can't help it. It is the only way to keep me honnest with myself and to keep going on Saturdays.

For years, I did not step on a scale and now, I can't go a day without being on it. Great. Talk about addictive personality here.

So, when I look at my food journal, I know I have tracked, I know I walked, I know I moved in the house, so, why is the scale up ? God, only knows. Seriously, there are times, I just have to accept that the Scale is not the only way to measure my success. My WW leader tells me that every week.

So, how else can I measure my success ? Well, yesterday and today, I moved a lot of stuff, up and down the stairs to empty two main rooms that need to get floors put in.

The old me, would have died to do this. I did it while caring for our daughter. There were times I was frustrated because I did not know where to put the stuff but, I never got frustrated because my knees would not move fast enough. I don't even ache from moving things. My brain aches from the disorganization in the house but, that is a different story.

I preach on my blog and to other moms to be kind to oneself. I guess, I have to be kind. The Bitch does not own me. If I am up on Saturday, so be it, I will conquer this damn obesity, one day. I will and I must.

Sleep Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2010-10-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

It is 8:18 PM. Bambina AND my husband are sleeping. My husband is just exhausted from his job, Bambina is actually sleeping rather than kicking (she kicks 24/7) and I am here, at the computer trying to come up with a weight loss topic when all I want to do is sleep.

Today, I did something I rarely ever ever ever do. I took a nap. I did not mean to take a nap but, Bambina needed to sleep and her attempt to nap was 15 minutes and I knew her body needed more because she was doing that little high pitched voice she gets when she is tired.

So, we both were playing and laying in mommy's bed, when both of us, fell asleep for TWO HOURS. Yes, I took a two hour nap this morning and it took most of the afternoon to get rid of the guilt. My brain kept saying "Do you know what you could have done in those two hours ?" and my body kept saying "Shut up, this felt good."

The beauty about this nap was that Bambina did not wake up, did not kick me (did I mention she kicks 24/7) and the phone did not ring. It was bliss. It was heaven. I think one of our cats was even at the base of the bed.

Why the guilt ? Well, I was raised in a family that does not take a nap no matter how tired we are. My husband does not take a nap. So of course, the first thing I do when he comes in from work is "confess" that I took a nap. He smiled "You so need it."

Bambina is 8 months. Last night she slept through the night for the first time since I can remember. I slept and I mean a real sleep, I did not wake up anxious that she might be dead (am I the only mom that thinks her baby is dead because it is sleeping soundly).

For the first time in months, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I did not see a senior citizen. I saw me. It felt good to know that maybe some of the skin problems I have been having are due to lack of sleep. Which brings me to think, that my nap, was a good thing afterall.

I also had less of the munchies today because I felt rested. So, maybe, just maybe, there is something to be said about sleep!

The Truth About Tracking

2010-10-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon,

I miss daily blogging but, with Bambina being more active there are just so many hours in a day!

Tracking, journal, counting calories, keeping a food diary, whatever you want to call it, seems to be a problem for most people. Heck, it used to be a HUGE problem for me, which is why I always failed at weight loss or maintaining any minimal amount of weightloss.

Well, for the past two years, I have been tracking, I would say at the rate of 80%. I think I have been pretty good about it not, perfect but, above average. Why ? Because, my WW Tracker is my truth, my confession, my reality.

I know how many points I can eat in a day. I know that I can have 35 flex points in a week. However, when I track, I know where I am at. I know if my belly is really hungry or just bored. I can also realize if I have been eating more carbs than protein. It is my truth.

I hear this at meetings all the time, it takes a lot of time to track ? Oh come on people, that is not true. I keep my tracker near the table at all times, or in my purse if I go out. Actually, if I go out for lunch or dinner, I write in my tracker prior to leaving what I am going to eat and that takes the stress of ordering away. Again, I am not perfect but, this has worked for me.

I have a baby to care for and I am going back to work in 4 months. I do most of the housework since my husband works insane hours. Do you seriously think I have that much spare time in my life ? Nope. I do have good days, like today, where Bambina has actually decided to nap. Then, there are days where taking a nap is not in her agenda and teething takes over. I still track on those days. Actually, on those days, I need to track more than ever to make sure that I have healthy food to give me fuel to survive the day.

The days are getting colder in Canada and darker earlier. I am still walking as much as I can. When the weather starts to be brutal, I will need to rethink my exercise plan. I am still having issues with leaving our daughter at the gym for me to exercise. That is my issue and I need to work on it. But, until the ice comes, I will be out there walking and so should you.

I am still in the morbidly obese category (I hate that word) but, I am still moving my ass, so what is your excuse ? Get out there, move, track and feel great. Tracking sucks but, it is your truth. Embrace it and you will see, it ain't that bad!

Before and After Pictures

2010-10-09T11:00:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Last week, I was visiting my mother with Bambina and this week I was back on track with my Weight Watchers points. I was a bit nervous to get on the scale this morning, because last week was a bit of a disaster eating wise (skipped meals due to fatigue, ate poor choices) but, I moved a lot. So, I only gained 0.6 lb. That is okay, I can lose that in a flash.

One of my readers said they wanted to see more before and after pictures. I am now down 106 lbs.

The picture below was taken on May 25, 2008, not sure if I was at my heaviest at that point, I doubt it. Lets keep looking in my folders to see if I can find something. Although, I was heavy, I sang really well that day, I believe I was singing La mamma morta.

This is a media picture that was taken in September 2008. I believe I had just joined WW a few weeks earlier. Again, I sang well on that day but, never saw this picture until a year later. Talk about a triple chin, even with my head up in the air.

Now for current pictures, that I took last week-end (self-pictures). I hate my hips and thighs, so, this shows you how much work I have left to do but, also, how much I have changed! I think what I like about this face picture, is that I will always have large cheeks because of my aboriginal ancestry features but, no more tripple chin!

My infamous hips! Argh!

Updated Picture

2010-09-24T10:19:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

It is Friday. WW weigh in gitters started early this morning but, then again, my scale was down so, less than 22 hours to wait and find out the verdict of this week's efforts.

My back is still acting up but, I was able to increase my walking to 3 KM a day most days and was able to clean our house, dust and take care of Bambina.

Just a short post to update my picture. This was taken on September 19, 2010, at that point I have lost 104.6 lb. and this was prior to a performance so, the reason I am all dressed up and have lots of make-up on.

Talk to you guys tomorrow.

Weight Watchers .... but, why ?

2010-09-18T19:02:00.000-04:00

Good evening everyone,

Is it possible ? Bambina is taking a nap at 6:30 PM ? Really ? How adorable is that. Our beautiful daughter decided to be a socialite today. I needed make up for tomorrow's recital. So, I decided to take advantage of the $10 Clarins Make-Over because, $5 went to a woman's shelter and $5 towards the make-up purchase. I was certain that Bambina was going to freak out and cry. Nope, she had a blast. She was laughing with the make-up artists and customers. Despite the fatigue, I could not stop smilling because, she is such a social butterfly.

Okay, this was my baby interlude. Back to Weight Watchers.

God must really be testing me this week. I have had friends, previous WW members, strangers ask me "After two years, you still go to meetings ? Don't you know the program by heart ? You have lost all this weight, surely you don't need to pay to be told how to do it ? "

The best was "I can't be bothered."

I must admit, there has been times, where I said "Why am I paying this money to go to a meeting ?" Keep in mind I take a cab to go to my meeting and back (I don't drive and I don't feel like taking transit in the morning). So my meetings costs me the monthly pass (around $55 I might be wrong on the number) and $20 in taxi fare.

That is a lot of cash.

HOWEVER, how much money did I use to spend on restaurant bills. It was nothing for me to spend $75 on dinner with my husband. It was nothing for me, to spend $20 a day on purchased lunches, treats and snacks.

Weight Watchers is a selfish investment for me-myself-and-I. That is pretty much the only time in the week that I am not with our daugther. The only time of the week, where I can sit down, sip a cup of coffee and learn from my WW buddies.Yes, I need a life. I get it.

Today, I was down another 1.6 lb for a total of 104.6 lbs lost. There is still so much more to go. There are days I want to say "F-ck it." and then I look at Bambina and remember "Quitting is not an option."

The biggest thing to learn and accept at Weight Watchers is that this is a life change. It is not a diet. There will be rough days, even weeks. There will be times like today, where no matter how hard I speak to myself about nutrition, dinner is not that well balanced. I have a performance tomorrow and I have an old time favourite dinner before a performance, it is so weird but, it helps:\

- pasta with olive oil and parmesan cheese

So, tonight, I made it with smart pasta (high in fibre), I did not use much oil nor much cheese. I just need to keep this ritual. What can I say, old habits die hard.

I can hear people already "SEE! SEE! You can't stay on program, you failed."

I did not fail. I am going to write the points down tonight. I am going to be accountable for it and I am going to move on. Besides, when I look at my "routine perfomance dinner" it does not have that many points. It is a bit high in fat and carbs but, I need that for tomorrow. Classical singing involves all the musles in the body and I need the carbs for the stamina.

I have said it a million times, I need people. I need the help of others to lose weight. Does that make me a co-dependant idiot ? Perhaps. Does that mean that I can't resist food without talking to a WW Member ? Yes and No. Most days, I can do it. Somedays, I have to email-call or attend a meeting to get the support to stay on program. Does that make me a weak person ?

NO. I believe that we all need to find what works for us. WW might not be for you. Heck, I never thought it would work for me. However, after two years (keep in mind I was pregnant within that 2 years period), the weight is still coming off and is still off.

Am I still fat ? Yes.

However, my bkood pressure is around 120-68, my blood work is perfect, my liver disease is in remission, I can walk 10KM without comlplaining, I can fit in an airplane seat, I can run up the stairs.....the list goes on....

So, I still need to go to WW. I need it more than ever.

Being a Mom = Better Singer

2010-09-17T09:32:00.000-04:00

Good morning world,

It has to Friday because, I am having my pre-weigh in anxiety, right ? Nah, my home scale is looking good, I was on track this week. Did not exercise much to ensure that my cold and sprained rib heal for Sunday's recital. Once, I survive the recital, I will increase my exercise. Weeks that I can not move a lot, I have to make sure I track and write my food journal like a maniac. My measuring spoons and cups are beyond warped from using them so much. Perhaps, I will purchase a new set tomorrow if my weight is down. Because, the ones I have are pathetic looking.

Yesterday, I was interviewed on local television for said recital. I hate pre-recorded segments. I hate seing myself on the monitor, I never seem to know what to say and my french accent ALWAYS comes out at the weirdest time and the hosts look at me like I am a foreigner from planet W-T-F.

However, yesterday, I had to be a mom before being a singer. I had to get cranky girl in her car seat, get her diaper bag organized, find a hat that would fit her ever growing head because my friend and pianist was going to play nanny in the green room while I get organized. Well, let me tell you, that hat was not coming on. Oh wait, I almost forgot, I also had to get dressed, do my hair and put make-up on, before getting Bambina in the car seat. Somehow, our daughter has decided that playing with mom's rings on her hand is the best toy ever. I get it, my child likes diamonds. Any other day, I would have been thrilled with this, not yesterday when I am trying to put mascara on. I am convinced I went on TV with one eye that had no mascara. C'est la vie!

With all the melodrama involved with the pink hat, I totally forgot to warm up, let alone drink coffee, tea or anything to wake me up from my sleep deprived zone.

HOWEVER, singing and speaking on TV was the easiest ever. The host wanted to talk about my weightloss but, I did not want to because, as much as I know that I have lost around 105 lbs, someone that does not know me still sees a fat girl and I did not want to go there.

When I saw my face on the monitor, I went "Wow, that's me ?" Somehow, years of doing my own make-up and hair (my hair still looks like shit) for most of my concerts has paid off because, I did not look like a mom that spent 10 minutes trying to put a hat on her 7 month daughter. I actually looked normal and put together.

Then, the singing. Singing in a dry, cold room, a capella (without piano or sound track) is brutal. Not to mention the TV lights that are on me and I can barely see anything. So, I took a breath and sang. Was it the best I have ever sang ? No. Was it pretty close ? Yes.

You see, ladies and gents that are without children and happen to be singers, you got it easy. When you don't have to worry about another human being, you can afford to be paranoid about your voice, do you pilates, yoga, stretching, water drinking prior to the performance.

HOWEVER, that is not real life. In real life, you have to open your mouth and sing. You have to pray to God that the years of technique building, language studies, style interpretation, etc., are going to be there for you when the time is right. The time is right = any time someone gives you the opportunity to sing. For the moment, my career is only local mostly by choice because I refuse to do the audition route while our daughter is so young. HOWEVER, my standards are still the same. I sing with my soul, technique, diction and musical interpretation.

Do I regret having our daughter, now that my technique and weightloss are going so well ? Nope. She made me realize that all the years where I was blaming my weight, my voice type, my lack of bla blabl bla, I was actually being a whimp. I was scared. Scared of what ? Who knows...Now, as a mom, I am not scared anymore, I have to be strong for this child. Oddly enough, most of my "performance" anxiety is gone. It is the weirdest thing.

Could it be the fact that when you give birth a million people see you naked ? When you breastfeed in public, people see a part of you ? I don't know. All I know, is that I am grateful this energizer bunny is in our life. Yes, there are days, I want to put vallium in her bottle to help her sleep (just kidding) but, on most days, she makes me a stronger person by accepting who I am as a woman and a singer.

To all young singers that were told 'You'll never make it, if you have kids." Don't listen to them. Yes, it will be hard to practice and get things done but, when there is a will, there is a way.

Will long on so post my weight loss-gain, tomorrow! Ciao!

On Walking, Having a Cold and Surviving

2010-09-07T16:23:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon,

I prefer to blog when our daughter is napping. I was quite happy with my weigh in on Saturday, I lost a whomping 5 lbs for a total of 104.2 lbs lost. On Sunday, we were in Ottawa, I think we walked about 12 KM that day. Something, I would have never been able to do years ago. We came back yesterday afternoon. I could feel it. The tingle. The horrible tingle of a headcold.

Caring for a baby is hard. Caring for a baby when mom has a cold. Our daughter is out of her crying phase but, she seems to be in the super active phase of her life and trying to crawl and getting stuck in places that are just odd. This afternoon, she was stuck under the piano bench and in between the piano leg. Hard to describe but, it was quite the adventure to get her out of there.

Today, I went for a 2 KM walk. That is all I could do. I felt cold and warm at the same time. I figured if I pushed myself more, it would not be worth it.

I am also grateful that our daughter fell asleep in the swing while I played piano to her since I am saving my voice today. It is not gone but, I can feel is going.

I never get colds. This sucks. I have no energy. Everything aches. So, I am just trying to be patient with myself. Drinking herbal tea while our daughter twists on the floor. I really hope she does not get it. Then again, if she does, it will be her first one and she is almost 7 months old.

What is the point of this post ? Just to tell my readers that I am alive. I know I need to update my picture. I am just trying to survive at this point.

Not to mention that the scale was up this morning and I was not happy with that. I know I have to get out of the habit of walking on it every morning but, sometimes, it feels like the only way I can start my day.

I hate being sick. I have no brain at the moment.

The Feeling of Good

2010-09-02T12:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, my blog is not a priority but, I do feel an obligation to write on here once in a while to keep supporting people that need help in their quest to losing weight.

Recently, I saw a person that was quite large and I just wanted to run to them and say "You don't have to live like that, I'll help you." and then it hit me "Mind your own damn business and how dare you judge someone that is big."

I felt so bad about my thoughts. I am still big but, I am not longer monster big. Well, maybe I still am. But, I will be honnest with everyone on here, it does feel damn good to be able to go in my closet and not have to worry about what is in the closet and if it fits me. Actually most of my closet is empty. I am mostly living in jeans, shorts or yoga pants these days because they are easy to wash and I can play on the floor with our daughter. I think I have 2-3 concert dresses in there, one might be too big. That is all. When I get back to work, I will need to get a winter coat, a few pairs of slacks, a few blouses and I think that will be it.

It also feels good to have the energy to walk 5 or 6 KM per day. It also feels good to have the energy to go through a rehearssal while holding a 19 lbs (give or take) baby and still have energy to go on about my day. Two years ago, singing for 1.5 hours would have killed my legs or back. Now, I still have energy to do whatever I have left to do today. The list is always long for a mom on maternity leave. There are days, I just sit there and go "Okay, other than caring for Bambina, what REALLY needs to get done ..."

Singing is improving but, the mental concentration required is often gone. THAT is the hardest part about singing at the moment. Concentrating on the words rather than "Oh man, do we have enough diapers for the week ? Where are they on sale ?"

I am rambling. But, I feel good. I am working on not being a perfectionist. I am working on accepting that our daughter is unique and so is her mom (which is me). Someone told me it was "cruel" to bring our daughter on my 5Km or 6KM walks. I was like "Hmm, how is it different than the mom's that spend their days at the mall or in the car ?"

The way I see it, our daughter gets to see my face while I walk, the fresh air calms her, she loves to people watch and she sometimes take a nap in there or plays with her toys. Of course, I have all the UV protection gear for her, a must and I pick trails that are in the shade.

I am really hoping that this power walking this week and staying on track with my journal will pay off at the scale and brake the plateau. If not, well, it does not matter because I know I tried everything I could and the plateau will brake.

I still hate my post partum hair. It just feels like a nest of hair. Nothing pretty about it. That is my only bitching about my body these days. I am still fat but, I am starting to see a difference in my shape. I can actually look at myself in the mirror and go "Okay, you are not a model. You are human. Keep it up."

Looking at one's self in the nude, is hard. But, I think we have to do it. We have to accept our bodies. As singers, we have to know what our bodies need and want, it is the only way to sing well. On that note, I think I am going to eat lunch while Bambina naps because, once she is up, she is up!

35 Going on 15

2010-08-25T19:50:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

Well, today was my birthday. I started the day with a beautiful Bambina that slept through the night after one month of refusing to do so (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU). Then, as I ventured to the kitchen to make some baby cereal, I noticed a gift and card from my hubby.

I got a GARMIN watch to track my walks. Yay for me! August 29, 2010 is my first group walk for my gang of WW and healthy friends so, I will use it with them. Thank you my dearly beloved.

I am still tired, even though I slept, and I took a nap today. But, tired for a good reason, I took two walks, worked on sorting repertoire while Bambina took her second naps (did I mention two naps ????)

So, now that I am 35, I can state the following:

- I weight less than I did at 25
- I am way more fit than when I was 25
- I have more wrinkles but, I earned these
- I have more white hair
- I am way more confident about my looks
- I am way more confident about my brain
- I love my singing voice despite, its flaws
- I have less memory skills

The weight is a bit at a plateau at the moment. Eating well, moving but, until I get some decent sleep, I doubt I will lose weight.

Sleep Deprived

2010-08-22T20:37:00.000-04:00

Hi,

I received my 100 lbs lost award on July 31, 2010 at my Weight Watchers meeting. Since that miraculous day (I had actually lost 101.4 lbs), the scale has been going up and down around that number for weeks.

You see, Bambina no longer sleep through the night. Bambina is OBSESSED with rolling and trying to crawl. Hence, Bambina wakes up. Therefore, Monster wakes up. No sleep = no energy =munchies=poor choices of food.

I have been forcing myself to walk despite the fatigue. I have been on track most days. I have been horrible at drinking water because, I am living on coffee or diet coke to keep my eyes open.

I love our daughter. Would not trade her for anything in the world. I just need to sleep for 6 hours straight soon. I don't even know some of my friends names. I was emailing someone dear to me the other and FORGOT their name.

Sleep deprivation is NOT fun. I was spoiled earlier on ... Oh well... Will get there, somehow.

Be an adult, be responsible

2010-07-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Well, this week, I lost 2.4 lbs and I am not at 99.8 lbs lost. There is plenty more to lose and there are times I go "How the heck am I going to do this ..." Our baby is super active for a 5 month old and already attempting to crawl. Yes, I am not making this up... She sure does not take her active musles from me.

I hear a lot of "What keeps you motivated, going etc ... you are such an inspiration ..." As flattering as this is to hear, I still struggle like everyone else to eat well, count my points, exercise and avoid junk food. I don't crave junk food anymore but, I do crave larger portions and I crave cheese and high fat "healthy" food.

What is going to make the next gazillion pounds go away ? I have to continue to count points, remain active and remain focussed on where I need to be while enjoying life and being on maternity leave.

I remember a doctor telling me "You can't try to lose weight, you have to lose weight." I remember thinking, what a creep but, he was right. Trying is not sufficient. We have to put concrete actions that will help us succeed.

If you know that you can not resist chips (like me!) then don't have them in the house. If you have kids, well, they don't need that junk and if they really want it, you can give them a few dollars for them to walk to the store and purchase it. Your teen won't die to walk a mile to the grocery store to get chips and he/she might realize "Oh, I don't want them that baddly." Teens tend to be like that ...

Same goes for your husband/wife, if she/he can afford to eat junk food because he/she is thin...so be it. He/she can purchase it, eat it and leave you alone. You are responsible for yourself. If you are a mom of a small child, you are responsible for his/her nutrition. I would like to think that toddlers are not eating junk food. I sure was not at that age. My mom was a granola-naturopathic-organic fan before it used to even be cool to be all of these things.

Be responsible for yourself, don't blame others. I can't blame others when I chose to sit down at the computer and surf the net rather than exercising while our daughter naps. I am responsible for me. I am an adult, over 18 years of age, no one has to care for me. I am able to select healthy food choices, exercise and rest periods.

On that note, I am going to drink water, something I tend to forget to do these days.

98.4 lbs

2010-07-10T10:59:00.000-04:00

Hi,

Very quick post because Bambina is just being Bambina today! I lost 3.2 lbs this week for a total of 98.4 lbs lost. This is the smallest I have been since, I was 22 years old (I am almost 35 years of age).

What this means:
- My husband has never known me at this weight
- His entire family has never known me at this weight
- My work colleagues have never known me at this weight
- My family probably forgot what I look like at this weight
- Our daughter does not give a damn because she loves me no matter what
- The picture of the above Malamute weighing 98 lbs proves to me that I was walking with that much weight each and every day prior to September 2008.

I am not done, not even close to being done with losing weight. Do I feel like there is hope at the end of the tunnel. HELL YEAH!

Fat Women and Fashion

2010-07-09T13:43:00.000-04:00

Just got back from our local Plus Size Clothing Outlet (Pennington's) with the smallest pair of jeans that I have owned since I was 22 years old (I will be 35 in August 2010) and with a bathing suit for the swimming I will be doing with Bambina in the fall.

Size 20W jeans are snug but, they fit and I can breathe in them. Mind you a 20W at Pennington's is probably a 22W in other stores but, I don't care. Those jeans make me happy.

I am so fed up of larger women purchasing crap fashion, if we can call it fashion. Even at my largest (size 28W for pants and 34W for concert gowns), I made sure what was on my body fit, was elegant and the colour was for me.

This summer, colours are tricky, I think I am darker than usual because I am always outside, so, I am able to play around with colours that I would never be able to pull off in the Winter. Kind of fun!

While I was paying, I noticed a lady in her mid-fifties had tries a really colourful dress, that played her curves, yet, was not too sexy. I told this lady "Wow, that purple really suits you, I like it!". Wrong move. Her answer "It it way too low cut".

Okay, I get it, not everyone needs to show off their boobies like I do. I get it. However, she looked young, healthy and fun in that dress. Nope, she went back to her sweat pants, T-Shirt and baseball cap. She was not even a super size person like me. WHAT THE HELL ?

I have to admit to wearing sweat pants in public these days just because I am a mom and there are days the only clean clothes I have (that are not covered in spit up, puke or poop) are my training clothes. So, I am not saying fat people are not allowed to wear training clothes in public. What I am saying is that there is MORE to fashion than comfort. Yes, I know, comfort is important but, you can look good and comfortable, it is possible.

Oh and enough with black makes you look thin. BS. I have only own a few black dresses in my career because we need them for funerals and choir gigs. HOWEVER, for most of my recitals, I wear colour. When I had a 34W concert gowns, one was baby blue and the other was royal blue. Yes, I was big and having a black gown was not going to make me look smaller.

Same with pants. PLEASE purchase pants that have a zipper and a waist. Yes, you might have to purchase a bigger size but, it will look better ? Comfort ? I have a large patch of scleroderma on my belly and most pants hurt me but, I refuse to wear pants that have no zipper. I often purchase pants that have a side zipper to ensure my scleroderma does not flare up.

Oh and what is up with those tacky patterns or the slut clothe ? I get it. Some women have great boobs from being Plus Size and smaller hips. However, that is not my situation and I don't want to look like a hooker. Sexy is okay, hooker look is not okay.

My thighs and hips are still the largest part of my body and purchasing shorts is the worst. But, I did purchase a pair that are not too bad. In this heat, I hate to show my legs but, at some point, I just have to accept that I am allowed to show my legs even if they are not pretty.

Moral of the story ? Even if you are a super size, you can look good. If you don't know how, I promise I can help and it does not need to cost a fortune!

On Being a Mom, a Singer and a WW Member

2010-07-08T21:04:00.000-04:00

Where the heck did June 2010 go ? It is July 8, 2010 and we are in the middle of a heat wave in the GTA. Usually, I would try to push myself to exercise outside but, I just can't. Firstly, I am asthmatic and Bambina is just boiling when we go out there. I took her out, early yesterday morning and it was a huge mistake.

So, what am I doing for exercise ? Well, today, not much. I had to play single-mom today because, my husband is still not back from work. So, that means, that I am the only one to hold, rock and comfort Bambina. That in itself is a workout. She is a good baby. She doesn't cry too much these days but, she is very active and holding on to her (to ensure her that she does not hurt herself) required a lot of strenght. She has been trying to "escape" from the Bumbo seat, her swing and her bouncy chair. Seriously, I am not making this up.

Last week, I was so busy, I forgot to post my weightloss. It was 2.6 lbs. So, I was quite happy. This week, I have been quite reasonable with my food intake and I have kept my tracking quite precise. I have also drank a lot of water.

I did clean the house with Bambina in the Snugli. So, cleaning floors and dusting with a 16 lbs baby on your chest has to count for some form of exercise. I have also practiced a lot this week.

The voice is getting back in shape, the stamina is almost back and the brain, well, lets not talk about the brain. Good Lord, I can't even sing in English these days. Quarter notes look like whole notes ....Really, need a new brain to learn music.

All of this being said, it is hard to juggle it all, trying to lose weight, get in shape, prepare for a recital but, most all being a mom. Not making excuses for myself but, I can't do it all in one day or in one week. I am looking forward to September because Bambina and I will join a baby and mom in the pool class. Which reminds me that I have to go purchase a bathing suit. The one I have is from my original weight and it is so big I might drown if I go swimming in it and it falls down when I put it on, so, I am not prepared to swim half naked.

Hope everyone is well and staying out of trouble, that is my job! :)

No More Guilt

2010-06-29T15:40:00.000-04:00

Seriously, this seems to be the on going theme with most of my friends that are either new mothers and/or on a weight loss program. Women are always feeling guilty about eating too much, not moving enough, not having sex enough, not looking hot enough for their husband so that they can have more sex, not breastfeeding, hiring a nanny while on maternity leave etc ...

If it is not one thing, it is another. I recently asked my husband how many times in a day he feels guilty. His answer "Have I committed a crime ? No. You guys do it to yourselves ..." By you guys, he meant, women.

I don't know if we get it from the media, our mothers, our friends or ourselves. But, the insanity HAS to stop. I am trying to lose weight. I am working hard and you know what, my body is just not the same at the moment. It is still struggling with hormones. My most recent guilt trip ? I want to hire a babysitter to go for dinner for 1 hour with my husband because I miss him and would like one hour without Bambina.

I love our child to death. I love her even when she is pulling my hair out and screaming because she wants to walk so bad (ah, the joys of having an infant that is super active). But, I know, that sooner or later, I will be going back to work and someone else will be caring for her during the day time. Do I feel guilty about that ? You bet. Then again, being a stay at home mom in this economy is just not an option. Perhaps, in a few years.

What else do I feel guilty about .... My hair looks like crap. Where did that great pregnancy hair go ? Now, I have this Italian-Fro (I am allowed to call my hair what I want, and that is what it is). I have gray hair all over the place and I really need a good colour.

I also feel guilty that I can't seem to break this weight loss plateau. I haven't been a perfect WW member but, I also have not been a pig.

Yet, NO ONE has told me I am a fat pig, my hair is ugly, I am a bad mom. My husband loves me even though I am driving him mental on a daily basis with "Are you sure I am taking care of Bambina well enough ?"

My single friends that are pro singers feel guilty because they don't work out enough, practice enough, learn enough Arias, aren't fluent in German etc ...

Again, I rarely meet male singers that feel guilty about the way they look or their lack of preparation for auditions or shows (men get away with murder in the opera world, they do!)

Anyhow, my point is that we must stop this self hatred and love ourselves. To all my girlfriends, make sure you tell yourself that you are hot, sexy and beautiful tonight before going to bed, no matter what!

Am I a Badass ?

2010-06-23T21:34:00.001-04:00

Please say yes. I belong to a facebook group of musician that are also aiming to be fit. Heck, most of them are fit. Most of them job. Most of them run marathons. Then, there is pathetic me. The obese girl in the group that SO wants to be like them. This group is amazing. They support me SO much even though, I am not in shape, not thin and not a jogger. They are so there for me. I have never met most of them.

So, tonight, my ride picked me up at 6:30 PM to drive to the 5KM walk. The concept of driving to go walk really bugs me but, that is what we had to do. There was a bit too much talking, I wanted to get moving.

I would say there was about 150 people there. All levels of fitness, some very fit, some medium and some totally out of shape. I would say I was in the medium fit group. For the first 15 minutes, I was in the top 25 walkers. THEN, the hill appeared. I had to slow down but, I still kept walking almost as fast as I could. Then, my asthma starting acting up but, I knew if I focused I could control my symptoms. I should have brought my puffer just in case.

So, the official walk was 5.3 KM. I did it in 1 hour and 5 minutes. Not the fastest but, for sure, not the slowest. I am happy, a bit on a second wind and I really need to sleep because my life as a mom starts back in the early hours. Here are a few pictures of my adventures.

Mid-walk

Post walk!